My son was 2 years old and happily sleeping in his crib when a well-meaning friend decided to ruin my life by suggesting it was time to transition to a real bed. To be honest, it was nowhere on my radar that crib-sleeping had an expiration date. I was pretty sure my son wasn’t going to college with it, but even if it did, surely that’s better than a dorm bed, right? I wasn’t worried. He liked his crib. I liked his crib.
Why force the issue?
When you’re busy parenting a toddler, the very last thing you want to do is sign up for one more parenting task. My day already consists of potty training, hand-washing, force-feeding vegetables, and trying to convince a kid that cleaning his butt on a daily basis is a good thing. Why add to the chaos?
Well, I’m a sucker for parenting advice and my friend was so optimistic, so that’s exactly what I did. Amazon delivered a toddler bed to our doorstep, and within a few days, Operation Big Boy Bed was officially a go.
I was excited. I was convinced this was gonna be easy.
I was all, “The crib isn’t that important. This bed is going to be awesome. Things will be just fine!”
Spoiler alert: Things were not fine.
Unlike my crappy friend who gave me zero warning on the downsides of a free-range bedtime, I am here to give you mamas a heads-up.
Before you transition your child out of their bed kennel, be prepared to address these very important questions. Questions that will probably be delivered to the side of your pillow, in the whiniest voice possible, at all hours of the night. Questions like:
Mommy, can I have a cup of water?
My cup of water spilled. Can I have some new blankets?
I didn’t get to drink the cup of water. Can I have another one?
The cup of water is hot now. May I have some ice?
I drank it, all gone. Can you help me go potty?
I was just wondering, does Rapunzel have a sister?
Does Mickey Mouse have a mommy?
Why not, is she dead?
What happens when mouse mommies die?
Are you going to die?
Mommy, can you put carrots in my lunch tomorrow?
No! I don’t like carrots. Can I have oranges in my lunch box?
How do snakes hug each other?
I hear a buzz in my fan. Are there bees?
If bees sting me, will I bleed?
Can I sleep in your bed? I am scared of the bees. I don’t want to bleed in my bed.
Did my sister’s penis fall off?
Can my penis fall off?
Can I check Daddy’s penis to make sure it didn’t fall off?
Can I have a fruit snack?
Where’s that toy doggy that Aunt Sissy gave me for my birthday last year?
Is it morning now?
Is it morning now?
Is it still not morning now?
When it’s morning, do I have to go to school?
I don’t like school anymore. I want to watch a movie.
What’s your favorite movie?
Is it only for adults?
Can I watch it?
Can we have popcorn?
I ate popcorn last year, and it made my tummy ache. Can I have some medicine?
I ate some medicine. Is that okay?
Just kidding, Mommy, I didn’t eat any medicine.
What color is our couch?
Can I get out my Legos? I’ll be quiet, I promise.
Can I play Fruit Ninja?
Why is your tummy so big, Mommy? Did you eat a baby?
How do babies get in your tummy? Did you eat me?
I miss my dog. Can we bring him inside?
The dark is too dark.
My nightlight is too bright.
My pillow is too squishy.
What is dooooooosh? I heard “douche” on the TV.
Am I your favorite boy in the world?
Don’t you want to sleep in the same bed as your favorite boy in the world?
There is a scary man in my closet, Mommy. Is that God?
Does God never sleep? Is he tired? Are his eyes burning?
Can I sleep like a bat, upside down?
Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy.
Is Mommy your real name?
And last but not least:
Is it time to get out of bed yet?!
This is but a small sampling of the reasons my son has gotten out of bed this week. If you made it through this entire list without pulling out your hair, pouring yourself a drink, or losing your ever-loving marbles, congratulations.
You are a hero among mothers, and you are officially ready to transition your kid from a crib to a bed.
Also, you are a far better person than me.