The 4th of July has always been one of my favorite holidays. There’s something magical about late summer nights. America’s birthday is never short on delicious food and drinks; there are potlucks and barbecues and all kinds of deep-fried goodness. And at the end of it all, we get to cuddle up and watch fireworks with the people we love.
Now that I have kids, 4th of July celebrations have gotten a little more complicated. They wake you up at the crack of dawn because late, well-lit nights also mean ridiculously early, well-lit mornings. Then spend most of the day running around like wild animals, and throw a fit every time you have to reapply their sunscreen. They’re a complete train-wreck by the late afternoon and you spend the last few hours before the fireworks, catering to tantrums, wondering why you put your family through it every year.
But the funny people of Twitter are there in patriotic soli-fucking-darity.
In a way, the 4th isn’t that much different than the rest of summer break:
Kid's summer schedule:
Fight next to my body in the fetal position
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) June 21, 2017
Complete with the constant fight to get them to wear sunscreen:
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) August 2, 2016
But it’s Independence Day! (Not that we remember what “independence” is like.)
21 Declarations You Won't Believe!
— paperwash© (@PaperWash) July 2, 2015
July 4th, 1776
British: just saying you're independent doesn't make it true
Thomas Jefferson: pic.twitter.com/3YfFYizQRo
— Sutton Coyle (@SuttonCoyle) July 2, 2017
Still eerily close to everyday life for some parts of the country:
most people's 4th of july plans are really just what people do in texas everyday: eat bbq, drink beer and light shit on fire
— Lana Berry (@Lana) July 4, 2014
Holidays with kids are basically like “vacations” with kids:
Vacation with kids is a good way to get away from your sanity, and relax not even for a second.
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) May 29, 2017
And just like vacation, your car is full of half your garage:
Judging by the back of my car, there's little difference between packing to take kids on vacation and packing for the end of the world.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) August 13, 2016
Except on 4th of July, most kids end up wearing the same thing:
If your Mom never forced you to wear a crappy flag shirt from Old Navy on the 4th of July, are you really even American? 🇺🇸
— Cloyd Rivers (@CloydRivers) June 27, 2017
We spend most of the day outdoors, which is cool if you like the outdoors:
Yelp Review for Outside:
1/5 stars. Very hot out there. No Wifi. "People" (aka other humans) want to interact with you. Would not go again
— Online Participant (@SortaBad) August 1, 2015
Because, I mean:
summer is real cute until every frickin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell
— SK (@SheridanKMurray) March 27, 2014
But I love food and am happy to contribute to your cookout:
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of "bag of ice" to your summer cookout.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) May 25, 2018
In whatever way I can:
Don't forget to acknowledge the sad, untouched bowl of Ruffles potato chips left on an outside table at whatever 4th of July BBQ you attend.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) July 3, 2015
Wherever fireworks are for sale, kids be like:
Trying to buy fireworks for the 4th like pic.twitter.com/DRGWgmWZy2
— haley⚡ (@HaleyBerryman) June 29, 2017
And whatever else is for sale, too:
July 4th is that magical day where 100% of parents who attend fireworks displays are forced to buy their kids glo-necklaces.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) July 4, 2017
Speaking of fireworks:
Friendly reminder this 4th of July season that no one wants to watch 200 second snap stories of the firework display you went to
— Landon (@landonwingerson) July 2, 2017
And the fur babies are OVER IT:
he's scared of the fireworks so my mom put on some dog videos for him ❤️ pic.twitter.com/VTjYa6YIcK
— emily (@spaghemily) July 5, 2016
"Is it safe to come out yet?"
-every dog, July 5th
— Marl (@Marlebean) July 4, 2016
And some moms too:
。☆。☆ 。★ 。
100% of firework
displays end with
saying "is that it?"
。☆。☆ ° ☆。
☆。 ★。☆ °★
— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) July 5, 2016
And after you let your kids stay up late for fireworks, they will still wake up at dawn the next morning:
Thank goodness I let my kids stay up until nearly midnight so that they'd sleep until the ripe ol' hour of 6:12 this morning
— Ash (an female) (@adult_mom) July 5, 2017
Here is the itinerary for our holiday travel plans next year:
I’ll start taking my kids to fireworks again as soon as they stop throwing epic tantrums at 10 p.m., or until they can drive themselves, whichever comes first.