What I Wish Someone Had Told Me When I Had Postpartum Depression

Postpartum depression (PPD) is just the baby blues, a short-lived internal firestorm of hormones after childbirth, right? And hormones are just punchlines in late-night sitcoms. So what’s the big deal? Two years after having my second child, I’m still looking in the rearview mirror — sitting on the couch, freshly molten and raw, holding a newborn — and processing. Slowly. With hindsight, this is the one thing I wish someone had told me about PPD when I was in the thick of it.

After my first child, I rode a wave of adrenaline as high and far-reaching as a tsunami. I was hyperactive and giddy. In hindsight, it should have been a sign of the seismic hormonal downswing to come. But when you’re in the midst of caring for a newborn, especially your first, it can feel impossible to see that for yourself. Plus, how can you have PPD when you’re bonded and completely obsessed with your baby? Impossible. Maybe, in some rational part of my mind, I understood that you could experience PPD while still absolutely adoring motherhood. But I wasn’t rational. In fact, I would later learn I was also experiencing postpartum anxiety, which likely masked much of my depression in plain sight.

But when pop culture dubs PPD “the baby blues,” we conflate it with all things baby, and with the immediate postpartum period. In reality, PPD can show up long after childbirth, and the baby doesn’t have to be directly tied to those feelings. I wasn’t depressed because I hated being a mom or because my child-free life had been upended. There isn’t always a clear “why” beyond the power of our bodies and hormones.

But I didn’t know this as I stared into the middle distance over a pile of dishes that felt too overwhelming to even start scrubbing. Things that were easy before the baby turned into feats akin to moving mountains: deciding what to make for dinner, making a grocery list, going grocery shopping, choosing between brands of chickpeas, picking an outfit, packing a suitcase. And when it came to scheduling anything for the baby? Insurmountable. There was no way I could delegate, because I didn’t know how or what to delegate.

And this is why I wish someone had sat me down and said the obvious: “You are a great mom. You are happy. And you need some help.” Both things can be true. You can feel unbounded joy with your baby, but you can also feel like you’re falling into a black hole, like you’re the only one who can pull yourself out. It took me a long time to realize I was experiencing PPD. I found the answer after making an appointment with a therapist at a clinic that specialized in maternal mental health. I was having intrusive thoughts, which turned out to be part of the PPD experience.

Recently, I asked some friends what they wish people had told them when they had postpartum depression, and one simply said, “You can overcome it.”

You can. But first, you need to know you have it.

If you are experiencing symptoms of PPD, visit Postpartum Support International for a dedicated helpline, support, and resources.

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