I was in a lactating coma for six years. No, I did not nurse a child into elementary school. I popped out four babies in five years.
I was on such a hormonal roller coaster that I could never come up with witty comebacks to assholes who made comments about public breastfeeding. When a passerby offered “Why don’t you try that at home?” I could only muster, “Why don’t you go fuck yourself?” The emotional pendulum swung and I started sobbing to complete strangers, “I just said the F word in front of my baby!”
Now that I am out of the estrogen fog, I’d like to offer these comebacks to breastfeeding moms…
1. If you can use boobs to sell beer and cars, I can use mine as a buffet.
2. Do you eat your meal while sitting on the john?
3. That’s a great idea. You can borrow my blanket to put over your head.
4. Sorry to burst your bubble. Boobs are more than recreational fun.
5. Thank goodness you have a neck. Look away! LOOK AWAY!
6. Nursing is easier for me. I can’t hold a bottle and my wine glass at the same time!
7. It was an accident. I was just holding my baby when my 36Longs fell into his mouth! My bad!
8. If you are fishing for a snack, just wait your turn.
9. If you think this is gross, you should have seen the placenta. Oh, wait. I have pictures.
10. Trust me. No one is more horrified by my giant areola than me.
If you are currently in a lactating coma, breathe in and out. Then, practice these comeback lines. Memorize them. Being a good mother means being prepared for anything…especially, when assholes attack.
If you are an asshole… fuck you very much.
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