Why It’s Still So Hard For Moms To Talk About Postpartum Depression

Mom guilt is so embedded in motherhood that it has its own colloquialism. It’s pervasive, it’s persistent, and for many moms, it begins the moment their baby is born. But when that guilt tips into shame — especially around postpartum depression (PPD) — it often becomes the very thing keeping moms from getting help.

Dr. Marianna Strongin, a licensed clinical psychologist and founder of Strong In Therapy, says that shame often shows up in ways moms don’t expect. She points to one patient who told her that every time she breastfed, she didn’t feel a sense of connection with her baby, but instead found herself reaching for her phone or scrolling social media.

In reality, the new mom was really looking for a space to disconnect. “She felt as though her body was being used as a vessel, and so she wanted to put her mind somewhere else,” she says. When the patient saw that Strongin had almost no reaction to this desire and accepted what she was doing, she felt an immediate sense of relief. When asked if she wanted to change this behavior and connect with her baby during that time, the patient admitted that she really didn’t. “She felt connected to her baby at other moments, and maybe not necessarily in that one,” she says.

“People have enormous amounts of shame around having any feelings that are different than the ones that they expected, or that they have heard about, or that they anticipated in any way,” says Strongin. In the first year after having a baby, moms — particularly first-time moms — have their entire world shift, with so many changes that it’s hard to tell what’s typical and what’s not. “Most people, when they have difficult or different feelings, stow those away and those become your own little secret,” she says.

PPD, which can be hard to even diagnose, can often be further hidden when the parent feels intense feelings of shame and doesn’t share their true experiences. Shame grows in secret, and as it grows, so does disconnection. “That’s why people can sometimes have symptoms that are even worse than they once were when shame is involved,” she says.

Why Do Moms Feel So Much Guilt And Shame?

The concept of motherhood has been idolized for generations upon generations, and that kind of conditioning begins to masquerade as our own thinking, overriding good sense even in the most clear-minded individuals. “I think many women do feel stigma around postpartum depression because it’s sort of in conflict with this expectation or what’s ingrained in us about becoming a mother,” agrees Strongin. “We see in movies that we’re supposed to be joyful and natural, and it’s supposed to just come so easily, but when the reality doesn’t match that narrative, it makes you feel more like a failure,” she says. And that can make it even harder to speak up.

Society’s habit of putting motherhood on a pedestal doesn’t help either. “Only recently we’ve started to see how difficult and unsexy that time can be,” she says.

The lack of systems and societal support for new parents is also a factor. Parental leave is mostly inadequate, there’s a lack of accessible mental healthcare, and insufficient follow-up for the postpartum period. “I find that the questionnaires they give women completely miss the mark and are insensitive,” says Strongin. Most often, the message is clear: The baby comes first. Mom’s mental health is an afterthought.

What Do Moms Feel Shame About?

New moms feel the most shame about their relationship or bond with their baby, according to Strongin. “I’ve had a lot of patients who haven’t really liked their baby in the beginning, haven’t felt connected. I’ve had patients who have felt disappointed by who their babies were because they had various expectations,” she says. Strongin meets these confessions with validation and educates patients that these feelings are normal. For some parents, it’s immediate love; for others, it’s something they have to grow into. It doesn’t mean you love your baby any less — it means you’re human, and you’re figuring it out.

How Can Shame Be Shown The Door?

First, by naming and labeling the feeling. “Often, there’s a huge relief in that,” she says. “Creating a nonjudgmental space is really important, like having a therapist, telling friends, and realizing that everything that you feel is because your body’s feeling it, and someone else has felt this way before you, can all really be normalizing.” If you’re not sure where to start, your OB or midwife can refer you to a therapist who specializes in perinatal mental health, or you can search for a provider online.

Patients break this shame spiral when they feel seen and understood. As a next step, Strongin encourages them to practice more self-compassion. “They have to start challenging those unrealistic expectations they have of themselves, and they have to shift from those negative thought patterns,” she says. That’s when shame stops being shame and becomes connection, binding us to the universal experience of motherhood, with all its highs and lows.

If you’re struggling with PPD, you don’t have to navigate it alone. Visit Postpartum Support International for a dedicated helpline, support groups, and resources.

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