Woman doesn’t understand how ice works, sues Starbucks
Threatening to sue people is something I’m quite familiar with. My father is a lawyer. I grew up in the 80s. I’m white. And I live in the United States. It’s kind of a national pastime at this point. But it never stops being absurd when someone actually puts one of those threats into action.
Especially someone so stupid.
According to Redbook, a woman named Stacey Pincus is suing Starbucks. Her big gripe? The iced coffees have too much ice in them.
HOW DARE YOU PUT SOMETHING COLD INSIDE THE DRINK THAT I WANT TO BE COLD!
Let’s give Pincus the benefit of the doubt for a second. She’s upset that there’s too much ice in her iced coffee, and that there should be more coffee in there instead. I get it. I want more drink in my drink too. The only problem is that the people who work at Starbucks have yet to master the dark arts via which they can make things cold by the wave of a wand, or by summoning Beelzebub and harnessing his powerful necromancy.
You see, poor misguided lady, the ice is what makes the coffee cold. And keeps it cold. Without the ice, the coffee would be hot, or warm. Furthermore, without ice, the drink can not properly be called “iced” coffee. This would be like me suing Starbucks because their hot coffee has too much steam on it.
In the 29-page lawsuit, Pincus claims that their Tall, Grande, Venti and Trenta (12, 16, 24 and 30 fluid ounces, respectively), don’t hold that much actual drink.
She seems to misunderstand the way liquids work. The ice is PART of the beverage. Iced coffee without ice is just coffee, which is not what she wants. More coffee and less ice is basically just lukewarm coffee, also not what she wants. It’s a real conundrum! But she knows the answer.
Pincus’ solution would be for Starbucks to serve cold drinks in cups big enough to hold the amount of liquid promised in each size along with the ice required to keep it cold.
Except putting more coffee in a bigger cup will actually require ADDITIONAL ice to keep the extra coffee cool. It’s a tricky balancing act, this whole chemistry business! But at least Pincus has the whole “legal” thing down, inasmuch as I did when I was eight and threatened to sue Debbie Palmer for knocking my Optimus Prime truck off my desk.
My favorite part of this whole asinine story is Starbucks’ straight-faced response. “Our customers understand and expect that ice is an essential component of any ‘iced’ beverage.” OH, DO YA THINK SO, DOCTOR?
They also say they will “gladly remake any beverage for an unsatisfied customer.” I suggest they go a step further and allow Pincus back behind the bar so she can monitor the exact ratio of ice to coffee.
Plus, it will be a real thrill for her to see each cube disappear inside her steaming hot cuppa and watch them melt, one by one. BUT WHERE’D THE CUBE GO?! IT WAS HERE A MINUTE AGO! WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?