1. You wish that, when God created children, he remembered to install a mute button.
2. The bigger the rush you are in, the more your child walks like he’s wearing cement boots in a vat of molasses.
3. You feel like you’ve become trapped in the movie Memento, as he tells the same story to you time and time again, always with vigor. You’ve tried to perfect the art of inserting “uh huhs” at the right time but you know (and he knows) you’re not quite there.
4. You are forced to listen to pop music ad nauseum, as Katy Perry is his “fravorite” singer.
5. You’ve decided whomever dubbed them the “terrible twos” is either dumb or has never had a three-year-old.
6. Where you once nibbled on his toes and body parts with abandon, you now wish he wore plastic wrap over his whole body. You’ve seen where he puts things, and it isn’t pretty. You hold hands but cringe knowing he considers booger picking an Olympic sport.
7. After a day with him, you find your new mantra is “It’s 5 o’clock somewhere.”
8. Sometimes your only goal for the day is to get him through parking lots without dying. He walks through them like one of the patients who have just escaped catatonia in the movie Awakenings. His mouth is agape and he zigzags like he’s trying to escape an alligator. You only narrowly escape your goal.
9. He will never remember to put his yogurt wrapper in the garbage but will never, EVER forget the ONE time you ran a red light. Let it go, Dude!
10. He’s never tired until … zzzzzzz …
11. He could care less what you dress him in, which you take advantage of far too often.
12. Put any same-sized human next to him, and they are instantly friends.
13. Finding two matching shoes is more difficult than solving the Pythagorean theorem. Same goes for socks.
14. You do not want to sit too close, as the insults about blemishes, yellow teeth, nose hairs, etc., will crush your soul.
15. Although you could have sworn you just cut them, his toenails will always look like those of Howard Hughes.
16. He’ll eat fruit like it’s crack but any veggies get a “What’s dis?”
17. He’s a major conservationist, as he not only lets the yellow mellow but he also doesn’t flush the brown down.
18. Talk of any vulgar bodily function will send him into a fit of laughter that you think could kill him.
19. He is a terror at home but his preschool teacher and babysitter report he is nothing but an angel. Figures.
20. Despite any of the bad stuff goes with it, you wish so badly you could create a machine that freezes him at this age, as he is bursting with cuteness.
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