1. CHILLAX DAD
Oh, the curtain’s up! It’s starting! WHAT!? The whole stage is blocked by iPhones and iPads! Put down your devices, people! Just ENJOY the performance! Let everyone see what’s happening on stage instead of your big old heads and your cameras and iPhones! Oh wait, there’s my kid. Hang on, just need a couple good shots – OK, now a little video – OK sorry, sorry just wrapping up – almost done – had to record my kid, y’know. (Sits down, looks at iPhone.) Oh shit. That wasn’t my kid!
2. “MY KID’S A NATURAL” MOM
They’re handing a microphone to my kid! Big mistake! They have no idea what they’ve done! My kid never shuts up! NEVER! She’s gabbing and singing from the moment she wakes up to the moment she falls to sleep – and even then, she still talks – in her sleep! My nonstop noisemaker! And oh, what a ham. Her middle name is “Lookatme! Lookatme!” Ha! This is gonna be hilarious. They’re never gettin’ that microphone back! OK, she’s holding the mic now! Still holding it. Um. Eyes big, staring at the crowd. Mouth clamped shut. Completely silent. Oh, for the love of Pete. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
3. OPTIMISTIC MOM
This is going to be adorable! I love kids! I love musicals! I love – huh. OK. Yes, well. Um, OK. Well, excellent effort. Yes, they’re certainly putting effort into performing this show. And we audience members are putting effort into watching this show. OK. Now entering hour two. We shift restlessly in our seats. Closing in on hour three. Kill me now.
4. JUDGY MOM
Oh please, you call that singing?
I can’t believe he got the lead!
Could she be a more clumsy dancer?
Tsk! That kid can’t even remember his lines!
Wait ‘til my Special Snowflake does his part! He’ll shine!
Here he is! Byron! What are you doing? Stand up, Byron! Say your line!
Omigod, Byron! Put that light down! Stop licking your shoe! Why are you rolling around?
Stop eating your costume! No, FACE the audience! We don’t want to see your butt.
Oh, no, Byron, no, no, do not pull down your —
5. ENTREPRENEUR MOM
Waterboarding is child’s play. I’m going to sell the FBI & CIA an interrogation-torture technique called, “Ass on a Metal Folding Chair for 3 Straight Hours of Preschool Musicals.” The suspects don’t stand a chance. Their ears will bleed; their asses will throb; they’ll beg for mercy!
6. MAKING MEMORIES MOM
Yes, thank you, I’d LOVE a program for the school play! My kid’s name is in here! I shall treasure it forever. I’m tenderly holding this cherished memento in my lap during the whole play. Show’s over! Grab the program, lay it lovingly in the back seat of the car so I can put it in his Memories box at home. Forget it in the backseat. Months pass. Program covered by snack crumbs, dirty gym socks, game pieces, and an inexplicable kangaroo-shaped hat. Clean out the car. Cannot find the program. Make mental note to take better care of next program. Months pass. New show. New program. Repeat.
7. LACTOSE-INTOLERANT DAD
Oh man, I should not have eaten that bowl of ice cream before the show.
Oh my stomach…oh boy…phew…very uncomfortable…only one way to get relief…
But if I let one rip, everyone will hear me!
Please – someone on stage sing VERY loudly or bang a DRUM!
Cover me! I’m gonna blow!
8. ENDURANCE MOM
Thrilled my kid got a part in the middle school production of “Annie.”
She’s playing “Nondescript Background Orphan #9.”
Not so thrilled there are five – yes, five – performances I need to watch.
If I hear “The Sun’ll Come Up Tomorrow” one more time, my lunch’ll come up.
And by the way, how come Daddy Warbucks has to choose Annie EVERY single performance?
Why not spread the attention around? It’s the fifth time we’ve seen this exact same show!
Pick another kid! Any kid! Mix it up a little!
Or don’t pick a kid at all! Just look the orphans over, say “nah,” and we can all go home early and take a nap!
9. PROUD PAPA
Costume — $38
Ballet lessons — $65
Watching your 5-year-old twirl the wrong way, dive bomb into the other ballerinas, causing an epic dominoes effect across the stage, tutus tumbling everywhere — PRICELESS.
10. IMPRESSED MOM
Look at all these talented young singers and dancers on stage!
(Smiling) Wow – that kid on the right could have a brilliant singing career!
(Grinning) Holy Cow – that kid in the middle is gonna be an amazing Broadway star!
(Wincing) Oh – that kid on the left is gonna be a wonderful…accountant.
Oh wait – that’s my kid!
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