10 Reasons Why I Fear IKEA

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An open-type IKEA store

Now that summer vacation is here, I have been desperately trying to come up with activities to engage my kids in a healthful manner. You can imagine how excited I was when my daughter suggested we plan a visit to a museum.

I was thrilled because in our fair city we have plenty of options, so I asked both of my kids which one they would like to tour.

In unison, both of them yelled, “IKEA!”

I’m curious. What kind of parent does it make me if my children consider IKEA a museum?

Nevertheless, I did like the zero admission fee, so off we went. Our plan was to browse and look at displays, much like the Matisse show currently on tour at our local art museum. Except not. I always get a little panicky when it comes to IKEA. It feels so ominous, and the yellow letters seem to burn straight down to my soul as if I’m being welcomed to the bowels of hell.

Yeah, I get it. The prices are great, the kid’s meals are cheap and they have day care, but a $4.99 price tag on a table should be a pretty good indicator that the quality is crap.

I have 10 reasons why I fear IKEA.

1. Don’t even think about going in the opposite direction of the illuminated arrows. I feel like a salmon struggling to swim upstream.

2. Don’t ever plan NOT to buy something because it’s impossible.

3. Assembly of ANYTHING requires knowledge of hieroglyphics

4. I overstock on the 49 cent items simply because they’re 49 cents.

5. There are lots of clocks but all display different times, reminding me of a scene from The Twilight Zone.

6. There’s only one way out, and that’s through the cash registers.

7. Jostling your way through the people in the walkways feels like a cattle feedlot.

8. The meatballs. Enough said.

9. I can’t pronounce any of the products because I’m not fluent in Swedish.

10. The parking lot is so ginormous I can never find my car, which brings to mind the lyrics from The Eagles’ song “Hotel California”: “You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”

We definitely ended up paying way more than we would’ve for the Matisse show at our art museum, but I think buying stuff we didn’t need was really worth it.

I’m thinking our next ‘museum’ trip will be to Target.

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