10 Reasons I'm Jealous Of My Baby

1. She has a permanent personal attendant conditioned to respond to her every waking need. And every sleeping need. And every other need.

2. Her clothes are all super comfortable and stretchy and she never has to wear shoes or Spanx.

3. No one judges her when she throws up on herself or farts audibly. She’s like a tiny, sweet-smelling fraternity brother.

4. She can sleep while someone else drives. Always.

5. She never has to do laundry, dishes or grocery shopping.

6. Naps.

7. It’s considered cute that she’s chubby.

8. No hair yet means no hours spent washing, conditioning, brushing or styling it. This surplus time is instead devoted to chewing her hands, spitting up and other valuable activities.

9. It’s totally acceptable for her to lose her shit in public, scream and cry at the drop of a hat or refuse to make eye contact when she’s bored.

10. She gets free worldwide air travel for two years.

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