When I was growing up, I used to look at pregnant couples and think that it was so romantic. The idea of creating life with your soulmate sounded like a fairytale. A typical romance novel can even make pregnancy sound picturesque. The male hero, a.k.a. a domineering chauvinist, impregnates his woman. His woman, a girl he just met who is 10 years his junior, is ecstatic. His eager sperm is his way of showing her he will love her forever. This is what happens after you make a baby, right? Right…..?
I’ve had three babies, and I’m here to tell you that having a baby is not romantic. It’s chaotic, it’s draining and it’s downright disgusting sometimes. Here are 10 reasons why having a baby is not romantic.
1. Most pregnancy symptoms are not sexy. Say hello to the seven dwarves of pregnancy symptoms: pukey, bitchy, gassy, itchy, achy, flakey and tired. If your baby is super active, you might also begin to have nightmares about re-creating a scene from the movie Aliens. But don’t worry, it’s not all bad! There is definitely a tingling near your lady bits. It’s your baby jumping on your bladder, making you need to pee every five minutes.
2. The birth itself is gross. REALLY gross. If your partner is watching the birth, they’re about to see you, a.k.a. your vagina, in a whole new light. Your pretty pink flower is about to become a Venus fly trap regurgitating a slimy, screaming ball of goo and blood. When you are pushing out said ball of goo, you will probably also be dropping a not-so-ladylike load near their face. Thank you, Mother Nature.
3. Your cute little bundle of joy is about to go all Exorcist on you. Be prepared for a world where you are constantly pooped on, peed on and thrown up on. The epitome of romance, right?
4. Lack of time for proper romance. That beautiful baby means no more date nights whenever you want. You days of sporadic getaways are on a long hold. Your romantic evenings are about to consist of Taco Time, sweats and watching the latest series on Netflix.
5. You and your partner are about to turn into the walking dead. Having kids means you have to sacrifice your sleep. This lack of sleep can lead to zombie-like tendencies. You will no longer care about luxuries such as leg shaving or deodorant. Your compliments towards each other will now consist of various grunts that may or may not involve the words, “mmm … brains.” Your physical affection will consist of bumping into each other as you stumble through your apocalyptic house.
6. The glorious postpartum time. Some women are hardly affected by after-birth postpartum symptoms. Their bodies are back to pre-baby weight 48 hours after evacuation, and they are not affected by hormones. Well, if you’re not a Stepford wife, odds are that your postpartum experience will not be like that. After I had my babies, my stomach looked like it was constantly doing the truffle shuffle for about six weeks (OK, six months). I cried every time an ASPCA commercial was on TV, and I would randomly become possessed by a Hulk-like rage. I was a real catch.
7. Say buh-bye to fun time with the girls, a.k.a. your boobies. Your breasts used to be a pleasure zone, a naughty place for your partner to fondle. Now they have become a 24 hour buffet. If your baby is an overachieving breast feeder, your money makers might be covered in blood blisters. Yay!
8. You’ve got to hide your love away. Remember your horny teenage years? Physical intimacy was taboo, so you’d have to find unique places to steal smooches and inappropriate squeezes. When your libido finally decides to return, it’s back to playing hide and have sex. Your sexual escapades will have to be on the down low for the next 18 years. No more midday countertop romps for you.
9. The stress of being a parent puts a lot of stress on your marriage. Nobody knows how to be the perfect parent. You’re not always going to agree on what’s best for your child. You will fight, a lot. Having a baby is an expensive and soul-sucking journey. Your marriage will be tested. The obstacles will feel like Donkey Kong is constantly throwing barrels at your face.
10. Your life is no longer your own. You might have to put the career you love on hold to take care of your new addition. Girls’ night will be cancelled yet again due to sick kids or lack of money. Sick days will no longer exist. Your happily-ever-after has turned into a broken record filled with children whining and endless loads of laundry.
Please don’t misunderstand me. I believe that bringing a baby into this world can be a beautiful thing. Raising children can be one of the most rewarding things you ever do. Having a child can bring endless amounts of joy into your and your partner’s life. I’m not knocking becoming a parent. All I am saying is that I don’t believe having a baby is romantic. Falling in love is romantic; a baby falling from your vagina is not.
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