2. We’d like that on the rocks, ASAP! We want a cocktail, and we want it now. No hemming and hawing here. We’ve been dreaming of this beverage since we woke up to the words, “Mom, I’m done!” Upon first sight of the waitress, we get our order in. Bam. Just like that.
3. The menu means nothing to us. Sure, when it comes to our drinks, we’re on it. Our menus, on the other hand, are not even on our radar. We’re far too immersed in our female, adult-only conversations to take notice. Luckily, we’re a group of moms, so one of us eventually takes control and we get some food ordered.
4. A mom or two are there in spirit only. We often lose a few moms leading up to the night and then, on the day of, we lose at least one more. Why? Because that’s the nature of the game. When life happens, the mom needs to be there. And when it comes to a night out, “life” denies at least one mom her freedom at the last minute.
5. Comfy is the new cool. We aren’t likely to come teetering out in a pair of sky-high stilettos. Nope, not us moms. Wedges are more our scene because, quite frankly, we like to be safe. We also like to keep our sciatic nerve issues at bay, and besides, we aren’t interested in losing sleep to a late night charley horse.
6. We’ve perfected the 15-minute makeover. Well, okay, we haven’t totally perfected it. But we’ve become accustomed to having our getting-ready time hijacked by the needs of others, and because of this, we’ve now got the messy bun down to a science, and we have no qualms putting our makeup on in the car.
7. Maxi dresses are a mom’s BFF. This is true mainly because they’re an entire outfit all in one, which works nicely into our 15-minute makeover timeline. The fact that they are full length is ideal when we make the discovery of one hairy leg and one smooth. Plus, these sexy, feminine wonders offer space and comfort in which to accommodate a little chocolate cheesecake.
8. There’s a witch at our table. There isn’t really a witch. It’s just a cackling mom (like me) with her laughing friends. We laugh and laugh, and we cackle because that’s how we roll. We’re there to talk about our daily screwups, our sex fails and, of course, funny tales of our lives before marriage. We’re in it for the laughs, so don’t sit near us if you want to hear the people you’re dining with tonight.
9. When the clock strikes 12, we’re in bed. It’s true. Most nights, we are pretty responsible like that. After some good chats, a careful balance of water to wine and a few dangerously satisfying yawns, we happily head home to our comfy beds, ready for the next day.
10. We wanna party like it’s 1999! And we don’t give a shit if we look cool or who the hell else is around us. We just wanna cut loose to “Rhythm Is a Dancer” and have a few more drinks. Is that too much to ask? Sadly, when the morning comes and we wake up to “Mom, I’m done!” we’ll wish it was still 1999, but it won’t be. The day will be long—very, very long. We’ll look like Bernie from Weekend at Bernie’s, and we’ll vow, with all of our might, to never feel this way again.
But we’ll forget all that the next time we get a Moms’ Night Out.