10 Things Kids Steal From Their Mothers

by Valerie Williams
Originally Published: 

I have two younger brothers. Growing up, this meant that most of my possessions were safe because, girl stuff. However, there were still items I had to guard with my life and I can remember thinking that I could not WAIT to be an adult so I could stop worrying about people I live with snatching my stuff without permission. Little did I know, my brothers were going easy on me. Since my daughter was a toddler, I have had so much crap go missing in my house and it makes me nuts.

I swear I am raising them right but for some reason, my kids are little criminals. They steal from me. I know their intent is innocent, but it’s so annoying. Every time I turn around, my shit is missing. In talking with other moms, I have come to find out that I am not alone and that it would seem certain things have universal appeal to our tiny thieves. Check out the list below and see if you can relate. If there are weird things your kid steals, please share with the group.

1. Chapstick. Just the other day, I bought a spanking new Chapstick to leave on my nightstand. I realized on this particular Target trip that I have probably bought at least 20 Chapsticks over the last year and every single one has needed replacing because it goes missing. This morning, I found my new one in my son’s room- destroyed. WHY do kids love Chapstick so much!?

2. Note Pads And Pens. Dear God, I am tired of making grocery lists on the backs of receipts. Every time I get a new pad of paper, either from some charity in the mail or from an actual purchase, my kids steal it and turn it into a scribble pad. I even wrote a list on a panty liner once- no joke.

3. Gum. I try to hide my gum because my kids are addicted and also, because it often falls out of their mouths and ends up stuck to shit. The other day, I covertly slipped a piece in my mouth while blasting the car radio hoping they wouldn’t hear the crinkle of the wrapper and within a minute, my son goes “MOMMY…I smell minty. Do you have gum?!” JESUS CHRIST! Let me have my gum!

4. Tape. I can’t even tell you the last time I found a roll of tape in my house because the kids take it and squirrel it away to parts unknown whenever I bring any home from the store. Why do kids need so much tape?!

5. Cell Phones. At least on this one, I have a fingerprint thingie and passcode so they can’t actually use it but they still make off with my phone now and then to play pretend or whatever. I KNOW I’m not alone here. Kids freaking love cell phones.

6. Pillows. Whether it’s to build a fort, have a pillow fight or make their own nest a little cozier, kids seem to enjoy taking pillows and cushions from the entire house. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve gone hunting for my pillow only to find it stuffed in the corner of my daughter’s room with dolls propped up all around it.

7. Make-up/Lotion/Shampoo. The other day, I kissed my kids goodbye at the bus stop and thought they smelled a bit….familiar. Turns out, they had broken into my new Soap and Glory lotion that I’d barely used two squirts of. Oh, and my son dumped out half a container of Biolage shampoo the other day and then transferred some of his Suave watermelon-scented kiddie body wash in with it. I thought it smelled funny and then, my hair felt like the end of a broom- I was really excited about it.

8. Change. I never have change for a vending machine because my kids like to fill their piggy banks with it. Yes, I tell them not to steal my money but there is only so much yelling I can do in a day. No paper money yet, so I guess I can let it slide.

9. Food. Ugh, Jesus, for once, I want a snack to myself. They eat all of my granola bars. I am lucky to get one.

10. Bras. Ok, maybe this is just my kids because they are weird. I am constantly finding my bras in their bedrooms. Maybe they use them to play Grown-ups? Who knows. If you see a woman at Target, about 5’3″ with floppy boobs, just nod sympathetically and move on.

This post first appeared on Mommyish. Read more here.

Related post: Six Items That Drive All Mothers Insane

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