I’ve had not one, but two big babies. Having a 95th-plus percentile baby means you’ll encounter some unique challenges. There’s quite a bit to laugh about, too, as you’ll see below. Here are 10 things all moms of chubby babies know to be true:
1. Your breastmilk is closer to heavy whipping cream than 2% Borden.
2. The baby’s wardrobe consists of two items: short sleeve T-shirts and sweatpants. He has to wear several sizes up, and you become an expert in rolling the pant legs. Jeans give your baby the mobility of a stuffed sausage, and so he develops an aversion to all things denim.
3. You pack vegetables for the baby’s lunches out because offering her anything remotely resembling junk food will invite judgment from onlookers. After all, when a skinny baby eats a French fry, it’s adorable, and when a fat baby eats a french fry, it’s child abuse.
4. You have two rehearsed answers to the question, “What are you feeding him?” Your response will depend on how you feel that day (friendly: “He’s breastfed,” or sarcastic: “Mostly melted butter and ice cream”.)
5. Your baby has been assigned the following nicknames from perfect strangers: Michelin Man, Marshmallow Man, Chunk, Fred Flintstone Feet, Sumo Baby, Linebacker, Bob’s Big Boy.
6. Bath time is a few minutes longer, due to the fact that you have to scrub between rolls.
7. You intended to baby-wear, but had to give it up when your son tipped the scales at 25 pounds. He was just 5 months old.
8. Thigh gap takes on a whole new meaning: It’s the deep crevice between your daughter’s knee fold and leg fold.
9. Themed Halloween costumes are your jam.
Example 1: Matt Foley, Motivational Speaker (“I live in a van down by the river.”)
Example 2: Old-Timey Strong Man
Example 3: Richard Simmons
10. You worry that they’ll never grow out of the fat baby stage, and then when they stretch into toddlers, you miss their chubby rolls.