If you’re actually using your overpriced gym membership, then I think you deserve an award. Way too many distractions are trying to prevent you from gettin’ your sweat on — and they don’t stop just because you make it through the door. In fact, they get worse.
1. “Why is she wearing so much makeup?” I haven’t fixed my hair in a week and a half, but she looks like she got a pre-yoga blowout. I didn’t know my shoelaces were supposed to match the straps of my sports bra — I’m wearing whatever workout clothes were still in the dryer next to my faded dish towels.
2. “Do you really have to grunt so loudly?” Look, I get it — that’s the same noise I make when I attempt to carry an entire trunk of groceries inside without making multiple trips. But there’s no one around to witness my desperation or else I wouldn’t be groaning. If you don’t stop making that noise, I’m going to come over there and put you out of your misery.
3. “Did I just fart?” My headphones are in; I can’t hear anything. Oh my God, what if it was loud and that’s why that girl is laughing? I should just leave. Seven minutes of stretching is enough for today.
4. “Could I get away with stealing that?” It’s a good thing I’m too lazy to become a criminal, because I could make out like a bandit with all of these wallets, iPads, and neon colored scrunchies.
5. “GIVE ME YOUR FOOD.” I’m going home to a dinner of quinoa pellets and kale chips. If these gym workers don’t stop microwaving their honey-glazed ham, I’m going to form a cardio mutiny.
6. “How is that grandpa kicking my ass?” He just ran a two mile sprint and is bench-pressing three times my body weight. I can’t decide whether I should be inspired or just throw in the towel already.
7. “Who does she think she is?” Every single person in this gym can’t help staring at the blonde goddess in teensy little shorts. I kind of want to applaud when she passes by. Or trip her.
8. “Did someone just shoot me?” Oh wait, no. That was just a cell phone falling on a treadmill. Thud, whizz, WHACK!
9. “I’m sorry, does this look like your bathroom?” I get that the locker room has a few things in common with your house, but no — you do not live here. And neither does your Mom. Pick your shit up and stop making such a mess.
10. “Can anyone tell I’m staring at the mirror?” I need to examine myself pre, post, and mid-workout so I can see whether or not I’m magically getting thinner. But no one can know this, because I’m not vain. I’m just here because I want to be a strong woman. With a nice ass.
Related post: 15 Excuses for Why I Haven’t Worked Out