Greetings, fellow uncool moms! If you’re like me, any coolness you ever had or aspired to has gone the way of your boobs and sex drive. But never fear! I am here to give you 10 easy hacks to make yourself seem like the mom equivalent of Danny Zuko walking into Rydell High. But with a nursing bra.
1. Use slang. For example, instead of “how are you?” say “Sup?” Instead of “whatever,” make a big W with your fingers. What was that? No, those phrases are current. Get with the program, girlfriend.
2. Listen to trendy music. Although I thought I was “killing it” (see that slang there) by listening to Sirius Alt Nation and Hip Hop, I have now discovered something called Sirius XMU. I believe that the U refers to “university,” but it may also be cool new slang for “you.” Will update after further research.
3. Wear trendy clothes. Right now, that seems to involve baring your upper midriff. You can approximate this without showing your post-baby belly by wearing high rise nude pantyhose pulled up to your breastbone. Bam! Instacool.
4. Allude to the desire to engage in wild sexual acts with your husband. For instance, you can say, “I wish we could have a threesome, but I can’t get a sitter that would stay that late at our house.” Refuse the sitters he suggests on the basis of their inability to speak Mandarin and/or Spanish with your kids, or to teach them chess.
5. Do crazy things with your girlfriends. Like those paint nights or scrapbooking. Here’s the key: bring a flask. Sneaky! In it, put a white wine cooler, because if you drink anything stronger than that, you’ll never be able to get up at 5 a.m. with your 14-month-old.
6. Use new gadgets. Like a smartphone. This is a phone that takes pictures and also goes onto the Internet. And you can install applications (“apps”) like Facebook, but I haven’t found Friendster yet. That brings me to …
7. Use social media! And remember, Instagram isn’t only for pictures of your kids. You can also take “selfies,” which are pictures shot from above to minimize your jowls. If you’re really on trend, you can take “ussies,” which are pics (say “pics,” not pictures) of you and your husband doing cute things, like buying canned tomato sauce in bulk at Costco. And caption them with …
8. #Hashtags. Whenever you think of a clever phrase, it becomes 100 times more clever if you put a pound sign in front of it, or if you verbally preface it with the word “Hashtag.” So, when you run into preschool to pick up your vomiting 4-year-old, you can say to the school secretary, “Hashtag vomit, hashtag mom life, hashtag haven’t showered yet hashtag is it really 24 hours fever-free before I can send her back to school?” She will totally look at you in awe. Make sure to snap a pic of her face and Instagram it. Hashtag no filter.
9. See indie films. There is one called The Fault in Our Stars, which is pretty obscure, so don’t feel bad if you can’t find it in any theaters. When you mention seeing it, you can say “hashtag hipster life” and snap an ussie of you and your husband in front of Netflix holding flasks.
10. Parent on trend. So this means helicoptering. Actually, wait, I think it means free-range now. Or maybe it’s unschooling. To be safe, hover anxiously over your kids as you let them play with feral animals in the backyard in between unlessons about establishing their social media presence. Hashtag cool mom hashtag what is that thing a raccoon? hashtag rabies shot.