10 Ways Mothers Are The Best Saleswomen

by Stephanie D. Lewis
Originally Published: 

Forget Lost Leaders, Bait & Switch and 2-For-1 Specials! Any mother (with our sneaky tricks-of-the-trade and clever gimmicks) knows how to get what we want and achieve our goals simply by implementing basic psychology. Yep, we can swiftly close the deal, earn our deserved commission, then confidently move on to our next unsuspecting “customer.”

Here are the top techniques that make mothers the best saleswomen:

1. Buy One, Get Much More: Show up for a scheduled appointment at the pediatrician for Emma’s sore throat and then “as long as we’re here, would you mind taking a peek in Jake’s ears, checking out this rash on Jillian AND fitting me for an IUD?”

2. Same, Same But Different: Advertise loudly that you’re cooking your child’s favorite pasta and meatballs for dinner. But look closely — the noodles are actually spaghetti squash and the meat isn’t shaped like balls, it’s molded into a loaf. With onions and mushrooms. But hey, what’s the difference? It’s all the same when you chew it up and swallow.

3. That Fateful Misprint: Text your husband to hurry home from work because you have a long massage for him. Once he rushes home and removes his shirt, say, “oops sorry – ‘MASSAGE’ was a typo. I meant ‘MESSAGE.'” Proceed to relay that your mother called and will be moving in for the entire summer, so he needs to get busy converting the garage into a spare room.

4. Creative Ordering: All those little things add up! At an expensive, fancy Italian restaurant, tell the waitress your child isn’t a big eater so you’ll just share your gourmet pizza with them. Then politely request (one at a time) A) a side of tomatoes B) some grated cheese C) a few shredded carrots, D) some extra ranch dressing. Only the shrewdest of waitresses will detect that you’ve just built your kid a meal.

5. Contests, Sweepstakes & Prizes: All champions of “The Quiet Game” earn $5 and multiple winners are encouraged. Plus “Find mommy’s lost stuff! Today my sunglasses are worth three Oreos, my cellphone = extra juice box, and turning up my diaphragm gets you tonight’s jackpot — a trip to McDonalds!”

6. Renaming & Repackaging: There’s no such thing as broccoli or veggie juice anymore. It must now be called “trees” and “hulk soda.” Anything healthy gets skewered and served with dipping sauce. Vegetables/Fruit/Protein/Vitamins/Sunscreen/Books – Put on little wooden sticks with a side of ranch dressing.

7. Hurry! Offer Won’t Last: “If you’re not downstairs, dressed with shoes on and backpack ready before I count to 10, the car leaves and you’ll have to find your own way to school.” And, “Don’t make me come in there. If you two can’t stop arguing, I’ll settle things for you and I guarantee you won’t like my decision. This is your last chance to work it out on your own.”

8. Instant Markdowns: “Fine, you don’t have to finish the whole thing. Just eat five more bites.” And there’s always, “I don’t have to take you nice places or buy you fun toys. The bare minimum I’m required to do is feed and clothe you.”

9. Warranties & Replacements: “If you throw that goldfish and it breaks, you’re not getting another one.” And, “I’ll give you a money-back guarantee that when I’m gone, you’ll wish you’d treated me nicer.”

10. Car Dealership Wheeling & Dealing: Always begin with a surefire Assumptive Close. “Do you want to stop kicking the back of my driver’s seat before I raise my voice or after you lose your iPad?” And never underestimate clever negotiation tactics like, “If you agree not to drive me crazy this week, I’ll throw in a fully loaded 5-speed trip to Disneyland with all the bells & whistles” (ice cream and cotton candy).

Now if only you could put all these natural sales skills and promotional stunts on a resume, you’d be a top contender for an upper-level management position in the real world for sure. Meanwhile, your own household might be looking for a CEO, and you can bet they won’t find you overqualified.

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