11 Ways Kids' Birthday Parties Are Just Like Childbirth

by Lynn Morrison
Originally Published: 

Once you got that baby out of your belly, I bet you thought that level of stressful craziness was behind you. Not so, bucko! The first five years (at least!) of birthday celebrations are so bad, you’ll find yourself wishing for an epidural all over again. Don’t believe me? Here are 11 ways birthday parties are just like childbirth:

1. They cost a fortune and you spend weeks preparing for them. Between the party favors, custom cake, professionally printed invites and the birthday presents, that hospital bill will start to look like a bargain.

2. No matter how well you pack and plan, 55% of what you bring will be unnecessary and you will forget at least one key item. Can you believe that we forgot a lighter for the candles? WTF?

3. By the time the big event happens, you’ll be sweating worse than a congressman caught in a strip club, and at least one person in the room will be half-naked … although hopefully, this time it won’t be you.

4. You will beg someone to put you out of your misery and they will just chuckle and pat you on the arm before walking away. (Newsflash: we weren’t joking.)

5. Every time you look for your husband, you’ll find him sitting down relaxing.He’s hiding because he’s afraid you’re going to tell him that all the problems are his fault … because they are.

6. Your mother-in-law will show up late and take credit for everything. And she’ll also bring some stupidly elaborate gift that exactly one-ups whatever you bought. Even though you do all the work, the presents are all for someone else. At least on birthdays you can hold out hope that there will be some leftover cake.

7. You can’t have a glass of wine until it’s over … (or maybe that’s just me … do I need to find new friends?)

8. Someone will tell you to enjoy the magical moment and you will find it hard not to punch them. Spoiler alert: it will probably be your mother-in-law.

9. Both events end with the sound of a kid crying. Oops, sorry. Typo there. That should read “the sound of YOUR kid crying” … #ohjoy.

10. Afterwards, you will swear that there is no way you can go through this pain again, but by the time the next one rolls around, you’ll have forgotten how bad it is.

11. And this is why the cycle never ends. Now where the hell is that leftover cake?

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