14 Reasons Why Valentine’s Day Sucks

Sorry, not sorry. Here’s why I’m over it.

1. We all want to choose a gift indicative of our level of affection. And if you’re the forgetful type, that’s going to be a rubber band and a tube of Chapstick. Embarrassing for everybody.
2. It forces you to think about your relationship… and you may not like what you see.
3. It forces you to think about why you don’t have a relationship… and you may not like what you see.
4. You may get chocolates. They are just as cliche as funereal red roses. But they’re edible, so there’s that. On the other hand, an entire box has like two good flavor options at best. Is there anyone on the planet who doesn’t toss the orange creams down the garbage disposal?
5. Maybe you accept a dinner invitation in lieu of staying home solo and watching an “iCarly” marathon. And at the end of the evening, your date wants to rub their flaky lips and snakey tongue all over your face. What happens if you’re not nimble enough to bob and weave? Just yuck.
6. Sometimes, just sometimes, your main squeeze hits the mark and hands you the perfect present. It’s practically law that this only happens when you sorely miss the mark and get them McDonalds coupons, a mortar and pestle, and a handshake. Then you have to have “the talk” and explain yourself later. Instead of smooching.
7. A boyfriend once broke up with me on February 12 and asked if he could call on Valentine’s Day, “so neither of us will really be alone.” How oddly sweet. The call never came, and I heard he was engaged to some ingenue within a month. I’m sure you’ve experienced the exact same thing.
8. Everybody hates red. And if they don’t, they should.
9. Those of us who have historically surrounded ourselves with prettier and more popular friends cannot deny that fact when concrete evidence — i.e. secret admirer love notes and serenades — comes rolling in. And we get nada. Year after year.
10. It’s so easy to have inflated expectations. What a let down to get a David Hasselhoff Chia Pet instead of a proposal.
11. The guessing game. You have to try to bore into your beloved’s brain to deduce what they’re getting you, and then more or less match its dollar value. Better to open their gift first, ask to see the receipt, and then Venmo them that amount down to the penny. Practical, but not very romantic.
12. It’s a mind-f*ck. You start obsessing about February 14 the minute after you miss out on a stroke-of-midnight New Year’s Eve kiss. That’s about six weeks of machination to ensure your lips are not snubbed again.
13. How about when your sweet baboo hands you any of that crap that flanks the grocery store checkout lane? You know, like the 75%-off plushie bear holding a heart balloon? It’s obviously code for “I secretly hate you.”
14. In the end, Valentine’s Day is just an unavoidable reminder that we are all essentially alone in the universe.