14 Things No One Tells You Before Your First Pregnancy (Sponsored)

by Robyn Welling
Originally Published: 

Embarking on the journey of parenthood can be a thrilling, terrifying, joyful, terrifying, exciting and extremely terrifying time. Part of what can be so terrifying (did you pick up on the “terrifying” part?) is the fear of the unknown, especially with your first pregnancy.

Will you be able to handle the sleep deprivation?

Will you be head-over-heels in love with your baby and thrive in your role as a mother?

Will your partner’s parenting style absolutely drive you up the wall until one day he feeds the baby a regular banana when you clearly stated that you felt more comfortable only offering organic produce, causing you to briefly wonder if a jury would convict you for attacking him with a wipes warmer?

The answers to those questions, by the way, are: sometimes, not really, and definitely.

As any new parent will tell you, the tough questions start way before you began wondering “Is that poop or chocolate?” and “Did my child just say the word I think he said?!?” From the moment you see those two pink lines for the first time, you’re bombarded with unknowns and surprises — and not always the pleasant kind. Here are a few things you might not be prepared for during pregnancy; good luck, and don’t say we didn’t warn you…

© 2015 Todd Parr. All Rights Reserved.

1. Your doctor doesn’t seem to care. Of course your OB/GYN actually does care, but there’s not much they can do at first and won’t want you to come in for another first month or so, which can be unpleasant to hear when you’re newly buzzing with a mixture of elation and that all-consuming, paralyzing horror I mentioned earlier.

2. It doesn’t feel real. Whether you’ve been trying to get pregnant for years or you’ve just gotten the surprise of a lifetime, you’ll wonder if this is really happening — right up until labor starts. Then shit gets really real, really fast.

3. You’ll discover that you and your husband hate a lot of people as you try to agree on a baby name. Word to the wise: if you have your heart set on a certain favorite, warn him ahead of time not to tell you that he once had a really kinky girlfriend with the same name.

4. Your TV habits are going to change. You’ll find yourself deleting anything from the Netflix queue that’s too emotional, features kidnappings, or stars Tiffani Amber Thiessen in a Lifetime Original movie about the hardships of a young widowed mother. You will, however, continue binge-watching episodes of “A Baby Story.”

5. There is no way to properly emphasize how incredibly tired you will be. I know, you’ve probably already heard there’s some fatigue involved. But saying you get “tired” during pregnancy is like saying you’d be “pretty happy” if you won the lottery, or you get “kinda nervous” when that deranged lunatic with a fake chainsaw starts chasing you in a haunted house. You can’t resist this kind of bone-deep tired. Be prepared to fall asleep mid-sentence a lot.

6. You will exist in a semi-permanent state of panic. The baby’s not moving enough. The baby’s moving too much. Are these gas pains, or preterm labor? You’ll question everything, and understandably so — growing a person is important business. It’s probably nothing to worry about, but you can always call your doctor’s office and leave a high-pitched, semi-coherent message for reassurance. They’re used to it, trust me; besides, my gas pains actually were preterm labor with my first baby, and I shudder to think what might have happened if I’d felt too foolish to call.

7. Stabbing groin pain is likely to be on the top of that list of panicky concerns. It’s usually just from ligaments stretching or your baby practicing taekwondo on your cervix, but brace yourself for feeling new pains in places you didn’t even realize had nerve endings.

© 2015 Todd Parr. All Rights Reserved.

8. You’re going to be constipated — right up until delivery, when apparently people poop on the table like 100% of the time but frankly, after having three babies of my own I’d just really rather not know. I decided that whatever did (or didn’t) happen down there was normal and natural, and then I moved on with my life, vowing never to think about it again. A lot of things about pregnancy and delivery are like that.

9. Even though hormones and your heavy bowling ball of a baby restrict use of your rear exit, somehow things are working all too well up front. How pregnant women can still gain weight when we log about 45,000 steps per day waddling to the bathroom to pee is one of science’s greatest mysteries.

10. LOL, like you’ll make it to the bathroom every time. Prepare for some kindergarten flashbacks because you will pee your pants. I’d love to tell you it gets better after the baby’s born, and it does — by, like, their third birthday.

11. You won’t have a period, but that doesn’t mean you get to take a break from the Feminine Hygiene aisle. The constant third trimester discharge will keep you in panty liners, at least — and of course you’ll want to have plenty of supplies on hand for that four to six week period that comes after the baby’s born, too. YAY!

© 2015 Todd Parr. All Rights Reserved.

12. You’ll be clumsy and swollen and sweaty and drool-soaked and possibly covered in acne, but you’ll also be insanely in the mood for sexy time. Hormones are weird.

13. Your birth experience will make you feel like a fucking superhero. Or it’ll make you feel like a total failure, or maybe you’ll feel nothing at all right away. That’s all okay. You just feel the feels you’re feeling, don’t try to force some sort of magical bliss where the heavens open up and shine a beam of golden sunlight onto you and your angelic cherub. That’s a lot to expect from a moment when you also might have someone between your legs sewing your perineum back together.

14. Finally (and this is the most important bit, so pay attention), in case no one has told you this yet: You’re going to be great at this, mama. Just wait and see.

© 2015 Todd Parr. All Rights Reserved.

This post has been brought to you by The First Years. Their e-books (by Todd Parr) “We’re Pregnant” and “We’re Parents” are available as free downloads at and

The First Years will donate $1 (up to $10,000) to Project Night Night, a nonprofit organization that provides free care packages to homeless infants, toddlers and children. For every “We’re Parents” e-book that’s viewed through Dec. 31, 2015, The First Years will donate $1 worth of their products (up to $10,000 worth of products) to Cradles to Crayons, a nonprofit that provides essential supplies to children in need. How awesome is that?!

This article was originally published on