Once we’ve grown a human in our womb, gone through the adoption process, or struggled through surrogacy, we’re qualified for anything life can throw at us. At some point in our mothering career, we may get the urge to seek out a side job that pays in cold hard cash or through a direct deposit into our bank account.
Although I’m certain we would be stellar at being anything from astronauts to Olympic divers, I compiled a list of jobs that directly correlate with moms’ current skills.
1. Lifeguard at a Water Park: You obsess over the safety of others and blow a whistle every 30 seconds when they don’t obey the rules – and people actually listen. Respect the whistle.
2. Cartoon Animator: We watch enough cartoons – we’re bound to be experts by now. And I’ve seen enough “artsy” cartoons to know that stick figure drawings will suffice.
3. Photographer (well, at least an iPhone photographer): We might as well get paid to snap photos of people. Well, maybe just baby people – it’s hard to take a bad photo of a baby, especially when the client is the parent.
4. Short Order Chef: “Mac and cheese à la box on deck!” “Order fire on the chicken nuggets for the toddler at table high chair!” “I’m buried back here – tell the Sous Chef he’s going to have to work a double!” “Just nuke it!”
5. Cruise Director: Scheduler of entertainment, social events, and activities. In charge of public announcements and safety briefings. We’re already doing this – just not on the open seas with a free buffet.
6. Cleaning Woman: Duh.
7. Bartender: Or maybe just a professional cork popper.
8. Referee: You watch a game and make sure the rules are followed. And much like the water park lifeguard, you get a whistle and people listen to you – double score.
9. Writer: You get to stay home and be paid for structured journaling. But remember – it needs to be highly relatable and humorous, or heartfelt. And you don’t have to put on pants.
10. Life Coach: We know we fantasize about the detailed life advice we would give to our partner, kids, or siblings – if only they’d listen. When we’re life coaches, people will pay us to figure out their lives.
11. Day Care Center Director: Just kidding, you already do that.
12. CEO: Heck yeah! No one is more qualified to run a corporation than a woman who runs a household like a boss.
13. Nutritionist: Contrary to our luck at getting the people at home to eat what we recommend, maybe, just maybe, people that are paying us for nutritional advice will follow it – but probably not. But still, we get to give advice to willing ears.
14. Celebrity. Seven-figure paychecks, a fleet of helper bees, and a vacation house in the Caribbean – yes, perfect.
15. Time Share Salesman: If you can convince a toddler to stick a vegetable in his mouth (and actually ingest it), you can convince someone to sign a questionable contract and hand over $30,000 on the spot.
This is just a starter list, ladies. As moms, we’re now qualified to rock just about any job we set these tired (but brilliant!) minds to. Because mothering is the most challenging yet rewarding job out there, we’re in the lovely position of having high expectations for employment, with a stellar skill set of determination, creativity, and fortitude to match.
Now go out there and nap (I mean nab) your dream job, mama!