Why Do Moms Feel Like We Need Permission To Sleep?

My husband can fall asleep anywhere, anytime. Once, we took a day trip to Sedona, Arizona, and he fell asleep sitting on a rock. It’s a talent. And the amazing thing is... the kids actually left him alone. Me, on the other hand? I can be missing for five minutes, and they have spidey senses. I can’t remember the last time anyone let me nap without pouncing on me within a few minutes of trying.

And here’s another thing: I often sacrifice sleep for productivity. I can be exhausted at night, but if I haven’t accomplished everything on my to-do list, whether it’s remembering to email one of my kids’ teachers back, loading the dishwasher, or prepping for tomorrow’s interview, I’ll stay awake until it’s done. When my head finally hits the pillow, my mind often keeps spinning through tomorrow’s to-do list.

Apparently, I’m not the only mom doing this.

Naturepedic, an organic sleep wellness brand, recently released a survey of 1,000 U.S. mothers ages 25–45 with children under 18 living at home. Of those surveyed, 90% of moms said they struggle to quiet their busy minds at bedtime, and 48% get fewer than seven hours of sleep, with moms of kids 2 and younger averaging about 5.9 hours.

What’s even bleaker: 62% of moms feel they need someone else’s formal permission to prioritize their own sleep without feeling guilty.

Naturpedic calls this the "sleep permission gap," the disconnect between knowing we need rest and actually allowing ourselves to get it. But why are we treating sleep like a privilege we have to earn rather than a basic human need? And how do we stop this sad, nasty little habit?

When did sleep become something we have to earn?

Although more men are stepping up to help with household duties, unequal household responsibilities, limited support, and parenting demands can still play a role. For moms, who rarely get a break, this pressure can build up. Getting a juicy eight or nine hours of sleep? Somehow, that can feel oddly gluttonous, or like we’re wasting precious time.

"We live in a society where we increasingly measure a person's value by how much they do and how much they produce," says Lorena Bernal, founder of Live Love Better and author of It Starts With You.

She says mothers can feel selfish or lazy when they choose to rest instead of doing something for their families, adding that “in a way, mothers can feel too needed to switch off.”

For moms, nighttime is also often our only chance for “quiet time” or to catch up on things we’ve been putting off. I end up sitting on the couch a little longer, bingeing social media reels for five or 10 minutes because I don’t feel I have time to watch an actual TV series.

But this habit can also stretch to the point where I ask myself why I keep putting off sleep to Google something stupid, like how long Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens dated in real life (don’t judge: my daughter just discovered High School Musical).

Why do we blame ourselves?

Emily Krushefski, a licensed professional counselor and CEO of Emotional Innovations, says self-blame also serves an unexpected psychological purpose: a sense of control. In our heads, we might decide we're exhausted because we didn't manage our time well enough. She says we think that if we become more organized, productive, or disciplined, we can fix the problem.

I can relate, as I’m prone to staying up late to make the next day “easier,” which only deepens my exhaustion. "The illusion of being in charge of these complex and unrelenting demands provides a sense of agency," Krushefski explains.

She gives voice to what many of us mothers feel — that we juggle too many expectations for our families while managing our careers, other relationships, and the lovely, never-ending household responsibilities. "Sometimes the problem isn't that nobody will let us rest," says Bernal. "It's that we have become so identified with being the person who takes care of everything that we struggle to give ourselves permission to put it down."

When researchers asked what would help the mothers surveyed sleep better, 59% said someone taking over household chores, while 58% said being allowed to sleep in.

My only question is: Sleeping in? What’s that?

Why won't our brains shut off?

After years of waking up to care for babies and young children, our brains can become accustomed to nighttime vigilance, and that pattern can be hard to break as kids get older.

My kids are getting older, but I still wake consistently throughout the night. Similarly, I find that when I’m super busy, I just can’t shut off my brain when I get to bed, even if I’m exhausted. Krushefski explains that the mental load of managing a household can cause rumination, repetitive thoughts that are hard to interrupt. Our brains keep scanning for the next thing we've forgotten or need to accomplish.

Bernal likens it to a computer with too many windows open. “Each window has a different program running: the children, work, something you need to organize, a conversation you had, something you forgot to do, something you’re worried about, tomorrow’s schedule. You may have physically stopped, but all those programs are still running in the background,” she says.

“Your sleep drive builds all day, but your stress response can override it,” explains Dr. Shelby Harris, a board-certified behavioral sleep medicine specialist and psychologist with BetterSleep. “Over time, the brain can start linking bed with worry.”

How can we grant ourselves permission to S-L-E-E-P?

We're expected to do everything for everyone, and we're still preached at about self-care. It's almost comical.

But we do have to learn to prioritize sleep. It's essential to our well-being. Chronic sleep deprivation can affect our attention, memory, emotional regulation, and decision-making, and can put you at a higher risk of type 2 diabetes and heart disease, says Harris.

One basic way to make more time for sleep is to be honest about which responsibilities are really urgent, and which can wait, Bernal says. When we do too much for our families and don't let them practice independence, it’s to our detriment and theirs. I've recently worked harder to get my kids to do their own laundry, help pack their lunches, and clean up after dinner. These are essential life skills they need for adulting anyway, and they shouldn't all fall on me!

Harris suggests spending 10 minutes earlier in the evening writing down what's on your mind, along with a next step for each item, to help take the pressure off bedtime. Dr. Joseph Dzierzewski with the National Sleep Foundation recommends getting out of bed if you've been lying awake for about 20 minutes and sleep doesn't feel close. Because the harder we try, the more it will evade us.

“No amount of sleep strategies can compensate for an absence of sleep opportunity,” warns Dzierzewski. In other words, we can try all the bedtime routines in the world, but if we don't have enough time to sleep, what's the point? For families with a partner or other support, Dzierzewski strongly recommends sharing nighttime responsibilities so each caregiver gets an uninterrupted stretch of sleep.

For persistent insomnia, it may be time to see a doctor to protect your health.

As Bernal beautifully puts it, “Sleep shouldn't be the reward you receive once you have done enough. Sleep is part of what allows you to live, love, think, work, and care for others in the first place.”