My sweet boys,
There are so many things I want to tell you and teach you about life. How to be strong men. How to love and respect women. How to love and respect yourselves.
But right now, I want to talk to you about a few other things that matter. These are not necessarily the important lessons I want you to learn from me, but I do feel that they’re vital pieces of information which, if nothing else, will make your life a little easier as you grow up.
1. Your penis won’t fall off; and ripping it off in protest of something will not help you in any way.
2. It is inappropriate to spread your butt cheeks and sit on someone’s face. Always inappropriate.
3. Toothbrushes are for teeth—not penises.
4. Baths are less effective if you pee and poop in the water.
5. On a related note, do not ever pick up poop with your bare hands—like your mom does when scooping it out of the bathtub. (Except, of course, when you become a father and your own child poops in the bathtub. At that point, it’s a rite of passage and you may be my guest. Just be sure to scrub your hands really well afterward.)
6. Boogers do better in a tissue than your brother’s hair. Or my hair, the chair, your pants, etc.
7. Farts are always funny, no matter how old you are.
8. In the same vein, as hilarious as I think it is when you yell, “FARTIN!” the world might not want you to announce every time you, or they, burp and fart. Sorry guys. Just keep that at home.
9. Lying is never ever OK—unless, of course, you’re telling your children a stretched version of the truth for their own good. For example, “If you touch your penis in public, it might fall off.”
10. Soap works better when it’s used on your body rather than all over the bathtub walls.
11. It’s really not OK to show your penis to anyone else. There are a few exceptions to this, but those come much later in life and right now, all you need to know is, keep that thing to yourself, sweet pea.
12. I suppose I can understand the fascination with watching pee come out, but it’s not really the best idea to place your face so close to to your brother’s crotch that you almost get peed on. In fact, how ’bout the only person’s pee you need to see coming out is your own.
13. I know you feel most alive when you’re butt naked, but it is, unfortunately, necessary to wear clothes at all times when you’re out and about in the world. I know. Bummer.
14. I know you love your penis, but there will be times in life when it’s necessary to let go of it. It’ll still be there, I promise. I know it seems like at least one of your two hands should be dedicated to your penis at all times, but really, life will be easier if you use both your hands for other things occasionally.
15. When you do finally pull your hands out of your pants for sweet things like holding my face to tell me you love me, I can get over where your hands have been to enjoy the sweetness, but some day, your wife might not. So let’s work on that, OK?
16. There really is life outside of your penis. The older you get, the harder this might be for you to believe. You may meet other boys who don’t believe this to be true at all, and that’s fine. But listen to your mother: The world does not revolve around your penis and neither should you.
17. I love you. Always, forever, no matter what. I love you even more than you love your penis. Imagine that.
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