1. You’re constantly being followed. You have your own tiny paparazzi, everywhere and anywhere you go.
2. Someone else is always trying to do your hair and makeup. And usually, you look ridiculous.
3. People are always judging you and giving you unwanted advice. Let Miley smoke her weed, let Lindsey steal jewelry, and let me feed my kids chocolate for breakfast!
4. There’s a different person in your bed every night. And sometimes another one (or two) by morning.
5. People vie for your attention and break out in fits of jealousy over your affection. Forget autographs- they want your soul!
6. You are constantly being watched like you’re a patient at the Betty Ford Clinic. You can’t shower, poop, or brush your teeth alone. Not because you’re on suicide watch or you might chug down the Listerine, but because to them you’re just that fascinating!
7. You have real scare-the-shit-out-of-you stalkers who will stand by your bed quietly staring at you until you wake up fearing for your life.
8. You don’t have an actual ‘job’ yet you’re busier than everyone you know. Maybe your days aren’t filled with fashion shows and charity lunch appearances, but some days you actually wish YOU could wear the diapers to save time.
9. People are obsessed with your body. They want to see every inch of it and want to analyze what they see. They ask a million questions. “Are those your boobs? Is ALL of that your butt? Why is hair there? What is that bump? What is that crease? What is that dent?? Will I get that? Will I have those?”
10. You go half the time without a bra, and when you do wear one people ask if you’ve had ‘work done’.
11. You’re an embarrassment to your family. This isn’t because of a sex tape and drug abuse, but more due to your mom jeans, ‘I didn’t have time to brush my teeth’ breath, and showing them love in public. You’ve been called ‘that’ mom.
12. You have your own fragrance. Think bleach/bacon/pee/pancake batter/Desitin/sweat-socks.
13. You have others do your shopping, or do it at odd hours so you’re not seen in public.
14. You always make a grand entrance because you’re late and you have an obnoxiously loud entourage.
15. You are the most important person in the world. Not because you’re a regular on TMZ and people copy even your bad habits, but because to those people you’ve created, you’re everything. Which is far more impressive.
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