Oversharing, 'Dateline,' And Other Signs You're An Old Married Couple

by Jorrie Varney
Originally Published: 
Katie_Martynova/Getty Images

New relationships are the best. They’re full of excitement and mystery. You each put your best foot forward to show the other that you’re a catch. Weird habits and quirks are locked away, and you would die a thousand deaths if you accidentally farted in front of your new mate.

But eventually, there comes a point in every relationship where you throw caution to the wind and get comfortable with one another. This looks a little different for everyone, but across the board it seems like couples who hit this comfort milestone all start acting old AF well before their time. Maybe that means he’s unbuttoning his pants after a large meal or you’re sharing the details of your recent colonoscopy.

Either way, if you do any of the following 20 things, you and your partner are probably two steps away from an AARP subscription.

1. You can’t wait to hop in bed together—just to sleep.


2. Oversharing is no longer a thing, because you already know it all.

“How are your hemorrhoids?”

“Better!” Thanks for asking.

3. You’re in bed by 9 p.m., even on Saturday night.

And if you stay up past 10 p.m. you both feel like you are dying the next day.


4. You enjoy going to dinner early so you can get home at a decent time.

Day dates are your favorite so you can be home in your pajamas by 6 p.m.

5. When you “Netflix and Chill,” you literally just lie on the couch watching Netflix and relaxing.

And you both had to Google the definition of “Netflix and Chill.”

6. Your date nights usually entail a stop at Home Depot or the grocery store, and you’re totally okay with this.


7. You don’t start movies after 8 p.m.

And you’re pissed if your partner suggests you do.

8. You avoid restaurants that are “too loud.”


9. You talk non-ironically about the weather and update each other on the weekly forecast.

You say things like, “We really need a good rain,” and you check the rain gauge.

10. You encourage each other to visit the doctor for annual screenings or to check weird bumps.

And you plan all your doctor’s visits for the end of the year after you’ve met your deductible.

11. You enjoy watching shows like “Dateline.”

Antiques Roadshow, American Pickers, or anything on the History channel also count.

12. You’ve rubbed Bengay on each other on more than one occasion.

You’re normally treating an injury that occurred while you were doing something benign, like bending over, or sleeping.

13. You have no problem asking each other about weird spots or strange rashes.


14. You know exactly what the other person will order, no matter where you eat.


15. You call it “sleeping in” if you get up after 7 a.m.

And you feel like you’ve “wasted the day” if you sleep later.

16. You have specific chairs you like to sit in.

And you would never think of switching sides of the bed, because that’s just plain crazy.

17. One of you dresses the other one when you go out.


18. Going out means leaving the house and has nothing to do with dancing or tequila.


19. Farting and other bodily functions happen at will, and no one really cares.

Just don’t forget to turn on the fan.

20. You have inside jokes so old that you don’t even remember how they originated.

But they still make you laugh.



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