The stench struggle is real, muthas.
The first-trimester is the worst. Catch the faintest smell of coffee, and you’ll lose your beans.
Takin’ a whiff of the wrong wafer can cause one to toss one’s cookies.
You’d be better off sniffing glue.
Ya smell me?
Having super sonic senses sounds like a great super power to have while pregnant. Well, maybe if you’re a queen who lies in a bed of roses all day long.
Ugh, roses. Nature?! *gag*
Estrogen heightens your olfactory system when you’re pregnant, which causes you to be sensitive to every single smell—even wafts of water. Yes, water.
It’s an assault on your nostrils.
You can smell a molecule of molasses that has fallen onto your kitchen countertop.
You can smell the individual peanut proteins on your child’s breath after they eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
That’s me heaving over my computer screen at the mere mention of peanut butter breath, and I’m not even pregnant right now.
Or wait, um, oh fuck. Am I?
I personally thought it was cruel and unusual punishment for my family to assign me sambuca cookies for Christmas one year when I was three months pregnant. I gagged during the whole baking session. Plus, what if I was fine with the smell? I hadn’t had booze in three months! They’re lucky I didn’t rip everyone’s head off in a fit of sober rage.
Here are 20 smells to steer clear from if you’re pregnant:
1. Fish, Cooked or Raw: I’m talking about both the kind you eat and the goldfish tanks at Walmart. Stay away, sister.
2. Raw meat (Includes Deli Sections in Every Grocery Store): Don’t worry—in your second trimester, raw meat won’t bother you. In fact, you’ll be begging for samples of prosciutto at every deli counter.
3. Perfume: Stay away from the makeup counters in the mall. The smell of five-thousand cosmetic products colliding will cause you to convulse.
4. Eggs: Especially eggs of the hard-boiled variety.
5. Bacon (Believe Me): I know it seems impossible to barf over your beloved bacon, but you will.
6. Coffee: Those Starbucks venti mocha, vanilla bean, whatever-the-frig Frappuccinos that you used to suck down in seconds flat will make you wanna spew. Switch to tea temporarily.
7. Aged Cheese: You’re so fancy! I rather fancy not puking at your party, so please keep your cheese that smells like dirty old socks next to the booze table—the table I’m not allowed to visit.
8. Booze (Mostly Hard Liquor): I mean, it’s not like I was sniffing the tops of liquor bottles or anything while I was pregnant. Okay, okay, maybe I sniffed a few red wine bottles here and there (and lit cigars). But, whatever. Take my advice. Do not take one whiff of Wild Turkey, even if you think you’re missing it. You know what’s worse than straight booze? Booze breath.
9. Booze Breath and All Breath: Your honey went out to booze it up last night with his buddies. He came back home and drunk-rubbed your feet. Aw, how sweet. How can you be mad at him? Hmm, maybe because he breathed hungover, hot fire in your face when he leaned in for a good-morning kiss. Bleh!
All other breaths including garlic breath, bad breath and baby’s breath (from a baby and from the flower) will also make you barf.
10. Your Significant Other: They will smell bad, walk bad, talk bad, be bad. With or without a stench, your significant other will pretty much stink as a human being at all times.
11. The Gym: Sweaty, soupy and musty air will make you work up a sweat. What the hell are you doin’ at the gym anyway, girl? Go get yourself some ice cream. Lifting the spoon to your mouth counts as exercise, and ice cream is probably the only thing you actually can stand to eat or smell right now.
12. Petting Zoos: Don’t let any small child talk you into visiting a petting zoo while pregnant.
13. Pets: Related to No. 12 above. Animal aromas will nauseate you.
14. Dog Food: I don’t have a dog, but just being in and around the pet food aisle made me wanna puke.
15. Baby Poop, Baby Puke: The smell of your (or any) other child’s bodily functions will cause you to violently shudder in repulsion. If you have to change a diaper, may I recommend the full-face, meth-making mask?
16. Your Own Vagina: While it’s probably getting difficult to see what’s going on down there, you can certainly smell what’s going on down there. And, it ain’t pretty. May I recommend some feminine wipes?
17. Body Odors: Anyone who smells like they haven’t showered or used deodorant in a few days is the enemy.
18. Chemicals (Bleach, Windex, Paint, etc.): Repeat after me: I can’t scrub toilets on Saturdays anymore because cleaning products make me sick.
Boom. You’re welcome.
19. Cigar and Cigarette Smoke: I personally loved the smell of smoke while pregnant, but probably because I was going through withdrawal. Staying away from smoke of any kind is probably smart, in general.
20. Leather Car Interior: Don’t even try to hang one of those dangly little air freshener thingies from your rearview mirror. You will be doubly sick.
While misting yourself with lavender or mint sounds like a good idea, just remember, pregnant ladies get sick off the smell of toothpaste.
My advice, plug your nose or wear a mask for nine months.
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