25 Ways to Respond to the Abercrombie & Fitch Salesguy

Every time I walk into Abercrombie & Fitch I’m asked this by one of the many clean-cut, plaid- shirted salesguys who work there. I’m sure this slick greeting makes perfect sense between two Abercrombie loving 19-year-olds, but it sounds kind of ridiculous when the exchange is between a skinny-jean-wearing hipster and a yoga-pants-wearing forty-something mom. He knows it, I know it, and my perpetually embarrassed tweens know it.

Usually I try to make it less awkward by responding with this equally cool line:

“Um..not much.”

But truthfully, there are sooooo many other ways I’d like to respond. Here are just a few:

1. Well, I have a frontal wedgie, I’m late to Zumba, and I need to schedule a mammogram. What’s going on with you?

2. Ever since I started getting more fiber in my diet, a lot more has been going on.

3. Could you please direct me to your “plus size” section?

4. I’ll have a gin and tonic with extra lime, thanks.

5. Are you as bummed as I am about Zayn leaving One Dimension?

6. Late paying the electric bill again?

7. LOL! TTYL!

8. Can you please turn up the music, I can’t feel the bass in my left kidney.

9. Why are you getting all up in my grill?

10. Any idea where I could buy some really strong-smelling cheap cologne?

11. …and your mom jeans would be…where?

12. Aren’t you going to check my ID?

13. Does this hoodie come in adult sizes, or do your clothes only go up to a size 5T?

14. I’d love to stay and shop but I left my guide dog at home.

15. Looks like you have a lot of funky SWAG up in here, for shizzle.

16. Did you catch Downton last night? That shit is getting crazy, huh?

17. Want me to help you fold those shirts? That pile is kind of messy.

18. I’m sorry, but I’m married.

19. ACTIVIAAAAAA!

20. What do you think: Toyota Sienna or Honda Odyssey?

21. “If I could turn back time…If I could find a way!”

22. 1996 called, it wants its flannel shirt back…oh, never mind.

23. Hold on, I’m looking for my Groupon. I have it here somewhere.

24. I think I dated your dad in high school…or maybe we just got drunk and hooked up…I can’t remember.

25. Do you mean, “What’s up?” Cuz “That’s what she said!”