The third trimester is a wild 13-week ride through insanity. This is my third time through the third trimester, so I have one or two or 30 things to say about it that you won’t read in What to Expect When You’re Expecting. So grab some Depends, and let’s talk about what goes down this trimester (other than your baby’s head):
1. You bribe the man in your life to clip and paint your toenails.
2. You bribe your kids to put on your socks.
3. When you walk into a public place, your first thought (typically in a panicked frame of mind) is where to find the nearest bathroom. Your second thought is how fast your swollen feet and chafed thighs can get you there.
4. People always look at your belly first, then your eyes, then back to your belly.
5. You will receive an assortment of comments from a variety of Anonymous Angelas such as:
“Looks like it could be any day now!”
“When is your due date? Oh! My aunt’s birthday is two days after that!”
And my all-time favorite, “I hope that what you have isn’t catching because I don’t want it!”
6. You’ll feel like wearing a sign around your neck that says, “I feel great, my due date is ____, the gender is ____, and this is baby # ____. Thanks for not asking!”
7. You could pee in a cup blindfolded if you wanted to. In fact, you could probably perform this magic trick with a squirming toddler tied to your back while opening up a bag of fruit snacks.
8. You regret taking the parking garage stairs at your OB appointment because you feel like a contestant on The Biggest Loser. Your inner Jillian is screaming at you.
9. Speaking of Jillian, your 4-year-old is recommending that you resume your 30-Day Shred workouts.
10. Exercise these days consists of trips to and from the fridge and bending over to pick up socks. Wait, why did you have the first two kids again? Exercise just consists of trips to and from the fridge.
11. Your clothing situation is getting dire. You only have two shirts that still fit you. These two shirts will probably have strange elastic cinches at the sides that resemble the face of a pug dog.
12. One of the said shirts is somewhat dressy and reserved for special occasions such as church and OB appointments. The other horrid shirt is for everyday wear.
13. You call up your grandma and ask her for advice on undergarment purchases.
14. Remember the supposedly cute maternity bathing suit that you bought for a steal last January? The one with black and white horizontal stripes? You are regretting that decision because you are beginning to resemble a popular Sea World icon.
15. At the local pool, they have a designated splash zone with your name on it.
16. You are now praising the wonders of the belly panel pants that seemed unsightly and unnecessary in the first trimester. At this point, if the pants don’t have a panel, then they mean nothing to you.
17. You begin to gather bonfire kindling because you will be burning all of your maternity clothes immediately upon baby’s arrival.
18. Your kids read the book about the alligator that swallowed the watermelon seed and are convinced that you must have done the same thing.
19. You wake up 3-4 times each night. Once or twice to pee, once or twice for a leg cramp, and at least once to waddle downstairs for a bag of Doritos.
20. Hoisting yourself out of bed 3-4 times per night should be an Olympic sport. You think about using a pole vault to assist you in the task.
21. Nothing is so important during the day as naps.
22. When you go to your weekly OB appointments, the nurses greet you with, “Oh, it’s you again. Now where is your Cup-O-Pee?”
23. You hope that your doctor takes his good old time to come to the examination room so that you have time for a nap.
24. Did your water just break? No, false alarm. That was just a sneeze.
25. Did you just have a contraction? Nope, false alarm again. That was just the 3 a.m. Doritos.
26. From now until your due date, you will be growing a new chin each week.
27. The fat sausages masquerading as your fingers want to eat your rings alive. Best to take them off now while you still can.
28. You realize that it is pretty cool to have a built-in reading stand and snack table. Unfortunately, this results in nasty stains on your only two shirts.
29. You wonder why your electric bill is so high lately. Wait, why is it so hot in here? The A/C is only at 75? Screw you, frugality. I’m TURNING. IT. DOWN.
30. And finally, you are dreaming of an all-inclusive 2-day vacation with full meal service and nightly massages. You will want to pack some Dermoplast and Tucks wipes in your vacation bag, and don’t say that I didn’t warn you!