30 Ways You Know You Need a Night Out

by Scary Mommy
Originally Published: 

Wondering if it’s time for you to get out of the house? You KNOW you need a night out when…

1. You don’t even remember the last time you were out of the house past dark.

2. The last adult conversation you had revolved around poop.

3. Your version of dressing up versus dressing down means choosing between yoga pants, and your “good” yoga pants.

4. Your last night out resulted in the conception of your youngest child.

5. You’ve been watching Disney Junior for over an hour and there are no children in the room.

6. Talking to yourself in the mirror is the closest thing to adult conversation that you’ve had in several days.

7. The most action your bed has seen in months is when the toddler vomited all over it.

8. Your coworker is cranky, so you ask her the last time she made poopy.

9. You know every word to every animated entry in your Netflix queue.

10. Your trash can goes out more than you do.

11. You can’t remember the last time you had a conversation with an adult that didn’t involve telling a child “no,” “stop,” or “don’t.”

12. The baby pukes in your mouth, and you’re just happy it still tasted like milk instead of puke. And you know what puke tastes like.

13. It’s been six months since you’ve used your hair dryer, put on make-up or waxed your eyebrows.

14. You’ve contemplated writing “Free Puppies” on a box and putting your kids in it.

15. You don’t know what day of the week it is. You don’t even know what time it is. It’s either day time or night time, and either a school day or not. That’s it.

16. The Fed-Ex guy leaves your packages out by the curb, because ringing your doorbell has resulted in a 45 minute conversation the last three times he’s delivered to you.

17. Going out and having fun seems like too much work, and you’d rather just go to bed.

18. You begin making philosophical insights into Sponge Bob episodes.

19. You are marking TV show premieres on your calendar, because that’s the highlight of your social life.

20. Fixing your hair or putting on jeans has your kids or husband asking “What’s the occasion?”

21. You just muttered “WTF” under your breath for the 20th time today, and it’s only 8:30am.

22. You start having deep conversations with the infant and/or cats.

23. It’s the 473rd Saturday night in a row you’ve been in your pajamas by 6PM.

24. A co-worker has something on their face, and you’ve licked your finger and started to wipe it off.

25. You wake up in the morning counting down the hours until bedtime.

26. The cops have been to your house because a neighbor thought you were being murdered, but it was just you, yelling at the kids.

27. A trip to a Target with Starbucks inside it, without the kids, constitutes the last date night you had.

29. A dental cleaning seems like a trip to the spa, and a weekend in jail sounds like a reasonable getaway at this point.

30. You understand why rodents eat their young.

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