You used to be young and stylish, but now you’re a middle-aged mom of young children. We get it — you need clothes that fit your lifestyle, one that’s super busy yet mostly devoid of (adult) human contact.
On any given day, you are seen by the greatest number of people before you have had a chance to shower. Your last big outing was your kindergartener’s back-to-school night. But lately you’ve been having a faint inkling, like the chime of a distant bell, that you may not be ready to give up on fashion just yet.
This catalog is for you:
Jeans that don’t necessarily make you hate yourself.
Say hello to the only pair of jeans you’ll wear this season! No, really, this is it. Because the only other pair that fits has a giant hole in the crotch, and when are you going to get to an actual store to try on jeans? More to the point: If you did have a spare hour or two, would you choose to spend it confronting the unforgiving gaze of the dressing room mirror?
R.E.M. Concert T-Shirt From 1995
This comfy fave is the perfect sleepwear, and a constant reminder that you went to college a long, long time ago.
Cropped, Cold-Shoulder Top With the Tags Still On
We love this one paired with the white plastic hanger upon which it is destined to hang forevermore.
Shirts With Mysterious Holes Just Below the Waist
We’re bringing this trend back for fall because, honestly, we can’t get rid of it. Seriously, what is causing these holes? Holding children? Leaning against the counter while washing dishes? Or maybe — and we’re just spitballing here — it’s because the top of your pants protrudes a bit more than it used to?
Jogger Pants With Drawstring Waist
These on-trend pants definitely don’t make you look frumpy at all.
Tights From 6 Years Ago That Don’t Have (Too Many) Runs in Them
It’s date night! Hurry up and pull these babies on before the babysitter arrives. Your two young sons will have plenty of questions about this exotic garment that is definitely not the jeans or yoga pants they are used to, like “What are those?” and “Why are you pulling them over your butt?!” You might begin to worry that this weirdly intimate moment is planting the seeds for some future deviance, a fear that will be confirmed when your 2-year-old reaches out and slaps you on the bottom.
Versatile Black Tunic
No one ever needs to know that your favorite tunic is actually a maternity top from your first pregnancy.
Pink Medical Gown, Open at the Front
Wrap this little number as tight as it will go and then feign nonchalance as you walk across the hall for your mammogram. Remove one arm from the gown, and think pretty thoughts as you submit to the machine.
Crazy-Expensive House Slippers
Pretend you are a happier version of Betty Draper as you sashay around the house in these chic slippers, and consider wearing them out so that someone else might gaze upon the priciest pair of footwear you currently own.
Cutoff Denim Shorts and Black Tights
You’ve googled “tights and shorts 2018” a bunch of times, and it seems to be true that this, your signature look from 1991–94, is now once again in fashion. After you take a moment to digest the fact that your youth is being mined for vintage trends, put on your jean shorts and take this look back from those teeny boppers. (Then google “teeny boppers” to see if anyone under 80 still uses that term.)
Bring on the chill! When you’re bundled up in 900-fill down insulation with a quilted taffeta lining, the other parents at school drop-off will have no idea you’re not wearing a bra.
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