8 College Scholarships I Wish Existed

I have a teen daughter who will soon be graduating and hopefully going to college—if we can figure out a way to pay for it. I have never felt so overwhelmed since the day I brought her home from the hospital. Figuring out financial aid for college for the first time is like swimming through quicksand. Every move you make, you just sink a little further.

The other night I was staring at yet another website that was supposed to help me find money for college, and I started dreaming about what the perfect scholarships would be for my daughter (and a lot of other teens).

Here is a list of eight scholarships I wish existed:

1. Texting

Applicants must display a complete knowledge of all the latest acronyms currently in use. They must also be able to text, listen to music and be working on homework all at the same time. They will get additional funds for being able to Tweet their life history in 140 characters or less.

2. Useless Knowledge

I know that there are people who will argue this point, but having an infinite and in-depth knowledge of anime is not really going to get her anywhere. It would be nice for her to get something out of the thousands of hours she has wasted spent watching, reading, studying and even writing about her chosen subject. An essay detailing the complete history of Hetalia should give extra points as it is kind of like world history. Applicants should be allowed to choose their subject and provide an essay of no less than 5,000 words.

3. Arguing

There are probably scholarships for those who participate in debate, but that is not what this one is about. She will argue a point with me until I agree, just to get her to shut up and go away. She will argue about things that are not important to anyone: Which is better, Star Wars or Star Trek? And she will argue louder, because volume trumps facts every time. A video of applicants arguing with an adult will get points for length, volume and number of times the same reason is repeated.

4. Drama

Sixteen-year-old daughter—do I really need to say any more?

5. Most Unique Filing System

I am afraid to go into my daughter’s room for fear of touching the piles of stuff stacked everywhere. According to her, there is a system and she can find anything. Yet every day I hear the call, “Mom, where did I put…?” A photo of the room with a list of 25 things to find in the photo would be submitted. The winner is the one where the judges can actually figure out what the “system” is and find all items on the list.

6. Most Personality Changes

My daughter can go from deliriously happy to weeping in less than 30 seconds over what I would consider to be the smallest issue. A simple request such as please take a shower now, or please change your shirt is often met with hysterics. Then a few minutes later she is fine because she just realized her favorite show is on that evening or she got a text from a friend. This scholarship would require a recording of not less than 15 minutes and not more than 30 minutes with a count of the number of times the teen changes personalities. The recording should be done when the teen is unaware so that the results are natural. The largest number of changes in emotions wins with extra points given for the smallest reasons.

7. Manipulation

This scholarship is designed to capture the manipulation skills of our teens. It is amazing how they can use one word sentences, cry hysterically and generally drive us parents nuts until they want something. Suddenly they are all hugs, kisses and a conversation that ends with, “Mom, can I…?” This scholarship can be either written or video. A specific situation where parents were persuaded to their way of thinking and how it was accomplished should be described or filmed as it happens. Points will be given for speed, level of affection before and level of affection after the teen gets what they want.

8. Queen of the Universe

This isn’t about a beauty pageant—this is about the fact that she knows everything, and nothing her father or I say is even considered as it must be the stupidest suggestion ever. Meanwhile, the same suggestion from a sibling, peer or other family member is met with at least some politeness. Applicants must prove that the universe revolves around them and all others are simply here to serve their whims. Winning this one gives the applicant a free ride at the college of their choice since we are all here to serve anyway.

Of course, these scholarships would only be available for undergraduate students. I am told that by the time they are interested in graduate school they have grown out of these habits.