I’m sure since becoming a parent you now have your own list of people who drive you insane. And right there at the top are these assholes. The people who really really hate parents.
1. Children’s Toy Packaging Inventors: I’m not sure if this is an actual job title or if the makers of children’s toys just email hell and ask Satan’s Minions to send up their best work. You rip off a plastic dome, undo little ties of rope, cut through cardboard, risk death cutting through plastic ties with a large kitchen knife, and realize in the end you need a damn screwdriver to get the final plastic device – which appears to have no actual purpose – off the back. Meanwhile, your child is having an epic meltdown that can not be consoled by anything other than the toy…and that’s when you find out it doesn’t come with batteries.
2. Whoever Decided to Put Small Impulse Buy Items in the Checkout Aisle: Let me tell you something. You’ve never seen a 3-year-old need so many lip balms and magazines featuring Kim K and Finding Elvis on the Moon till you’re standing in the checkout aisle at Walmart. You turn your head to get your card ready to pay and suddenly there’s $47 worth of tic tacs in your cart. All those gift cards they place right in reach of little hands? They’re practically asking for it. You know what they need in those aisles? Wine dispensers.
3. The People Who Put Play Areas in Fast Food Restaurants: So you decide to treat everyone to a meal of fatty goodness while you’re out running errands or don’t have time to make dinner. These places cater to families. They have children specific-meals and toys (oh God don’t get me started on not having enough of the one kind they ALL want) and high chairs to make things more family-friendly. They understand how hard parenting is. They try to make it easier for us. Right? WRONG. They lure us in with all the aforementioned comforts and then BAM! There’s a giant, brightly-colored jungle gym in view of EVERY table to induce tears and pleading from your children. Do you know how much of the sentence “If you just eat your chicken nuggets first you can go play!” a 3-year-old hears? That’s right. None.
4. The Inventor of Helium Balloons: We all love a nice balloon arrangement for a birthday party. Especially kids. Kids looooove balloons. Of all the toys they get, what do they want to play with after the party? The balloons. So what do these assholes do? They make them a floating choking hazard waiting to happen. So not only do you have to retrieve them from the ceiling 36,000 times to placate your child, but you also have to worry about them busting and causing bodily harm. If you dare go outside, heaven help the ears of everyone within a 10-mile radius because there will be wailing when that floating ball of fun escapes and tries to reach Jesus.
5. Music for Kids’ CD Creators: “I cannot tell you how excited I am for a 3-hour, 2 song sing-a-long trip to Grandma’s!” said no one ever. It doesn’t matter if there are 12 songs on the CD; they will want to listen to “Wheels on the Bus” and “Old MacDonald” the whole way. What’s that you say? Driver picks the music? Not in the Minivan of Broken Dreams!
I know there are more out there. Waiting. Waiting and plotting new ways to drive me to drink.
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