50 Reasons I Truly Feel Stuck In The Middle

At 46, I am firmly entrenched in middle age. Okay, let’s be honest: Not many of us make it to 92, so I’m probably on the downhill slope.

I do not feel old, by any means, but there is no way I could be considered young anymore. This is why I have an appreciation for the word “tween.” It’s a special word, created for another group of people finding themselves in a no man’s land. We need our own. One that sounds better than “middle-aged.” Perhaps “the experienced young” or the “youngderly” would do the trick. I’ll keep working on that.

In the meantime, here are 50 reasons why I feel neither here nor there:

1. I’m too old to wear a miniskirt.

2. I’m too young to dislike new music, or to call it “that noise.”

3. I’m too old to put up with BS.

4. I’m too young to use the phrase, “In my day…”

5. I’m too old for trampolines and neck-jarring rides at the amusement park.

6. I’m too young for bladder leakage protection.

7. I’m too old to be “hot.”

8. I’m too young to be “handsome.”

9. I’m too old for silky, shiny hair.

10. I’m too young to have a practical haircut.

11. I’m too old to drink in excess.

12. I’m too young to stick to prune juice and Maalox.

13. I’m too old to lack conviction in my opinions.

14. I’m too young to be confident in my wisdom.

15. I’m too old to have the body I had at 25.

16. I’m too young to give up on the idea of having the body I had at 25.

17. I’m too old to have more children.

18. I’m too young to have grandchildren (not technically, of course).

19. I’m too old to understand why people are into fan fiction, memes (what are those?) and anime.

20. I’m too young to avoid being curious about fan fiction, memes (is that like “peeps” for moms or something?) and anime.

21. I’m too old to believe I’ll be the first woman to avoid aging—if only I use the right creams—until they find the medicinal fountain of youth. That ship has sailed.

22. I’m too young to completely accept that the wrinkles are going to get worse.

23. I’m too old to ever learn to walk properly in heels.

24. I’m too young to wear those horrible, putty-colored, orthopedic jobs.

25. I’m too old to use sexy moves on the dance floor.

26. I’m too young to stop dancing.

Only when I die, baby! Only when I die.

27. I’m too old to let the little joys in life pass me by without appreciating them.

28. I’m too young to let “just being able to move in the morning” be one of the little joys in life.

29. I’m too old to be called a girl.

30. I’m too young to be called “ma’am” or “lady.” In case you’re wondering, I still love being called “miss.” Let me dream, please!

31. I’m too old for shiny makeup, glitter or frosted lipstick.

32. I’m too young to have to draw my lips or my eyebrows onto my face.

33. I’m too old to waste two hours on a really lousy movie.

I’d rather clean my kitchen.

34. I’m too young to fall asleep during a really good movie.

35. I’m too old to enjoy fast food.

Even when I do enjoy it, I don’t enjoy the physical and emotional side effects I feel afterwards.

36. I’m too young to require fiber with every meal.

37. I’m too old to forget my sunscreen.

38. I’m too young for a long morning routine.

Let’s get to the beach already.

39. I’m too old to understand why people don’t just see that Lady Gaga is a poor imitation of Madonna.

40. I’m too young to tap my foot to the music in the elevator.

41. I’m too old to sleep on the cold, hard ground.

42. I’m too young for a group tour.

43. I’m too old for sex in a car.

44. I’m too young to stick to just a bed.

45. I’m too old to forget that any new physical activity will have consequences the next day.

46. I’m too young to stop trying new things.

47. I’m too old for my short-term memory to be reliable.

48. I’m too young for my long-term memories to be the only ones I have.

49. I’m too old to do some of the things on my bucket list.

50. I’m too young to stop adding new things to my bucket list.