If you are a mother, then chances are you have experienced sleep-deprivation at one time or another. After tending to your adorable babies throughout the night, you force your bone-weary body out of bed before the sun rises to perform the various roles you play throughout the day: mother, wife, employee, domestic goddess. Let me tell you: The fact that you get through the day in one piece is nothing short of a miracle, and it pretty much places you on the same plane as super woman. In your tired state, however, you have surely had one or two oops moments you would rather not admit to, so I will do the admitting for you.
Here is my list of the top 50 things sleep-deprived moms do:
1. Drink more than three cups of coffee before noon. (Admit it. Your Starbucks barista has your coffee order memorized.)
2. Pour breast milk or formula into your coffee mug instead of creamer.
3. Use television as a babysitter.
4. Eat dinner for breakfast (cold pizza) and breakfast for dinner (cereal).
5. Skip showers and just put on more deodorant.
6. Throw hair in a wet bun instead of brushing it after showering.
7. Jump out of the way whenever someone tries to include you in a picture.
8. Wear yesterday’s makeup.
9. Borrow diapers, wipes and kid clothes from friends, neighbors, strangers and lost-and-found.
10. Doze off in inappropriate places or in awkward positions.
11. Throw away kids’ clothes when the poop stains are too intense to deal with.
12. Sit on the toilet far longer than necessary to get some alone time.
13. Chew gum instead of brushing your teeth.
14. Drop your kids off at the gym day care and then take a nap in the car.
15. Instantly befriend other tired-looking moms and bond over your lack of sleep.
16. Get lost on your way home, even though you have driven this same road a thousand times.
17. Use your car as a trash bin and/or a storage unit for everything kid-related.
18. Skip shaving altogether, except for date night (and sometimes even then).
19. Accidentally lock keys and/or kids in the car.
20. Skip walking the dog again.
21. Avoid the mailbox: If you don’t see bills, then they don’t exist and you don’t have to deal with them.
22. Forget to get mail for so many days that it’s returned to the post office.
23. Forget what day of the week it is.
24. Envy everyone who looks well-rested.
25. Worship anyone willing to come over and watch your children while you rest.
26. Play your children’s music in the car when they are not in the car.
27. Use your significant other’s toothbrush because you can’t find yours.
28. Re-read the same page of your book over and over again and then give up reading.
29. Leave groceries and/or baby bottles in the car and forget about them until your car starts to smell.
30. Start drinking alcohol at 4 p.m. because you need to survive the next few hours before your kids go to sleep.
31. Spend the whole day looking forward to your kids’ naps and bedtimes.
32. Make personal doctor’s appointments and then forget to show up.
33. Celebrate whenever someone cancels plans with you because it means you get to stay home and do nothing.
34. Go to the grocery store and forget everything you need.
35. Buy everything online. (On behalf of tired mothers everywhere, thank you, Amazon Prime!)
36. Tell yourself that “Someday I will sleep again,” “Tomorrow I will leave the house,” or “Tomorrow I will exercise.”
37. Dye your hair a darker color so you don’t have to keep up with highlights or other hair treatments.
38. Forget if you fed your cat/dog/fish, and as a result, feed them twice.
39. Forget if you shut your garage or if you turned off your iron, curling iron, oven, or stove and have to turn the car around.
40. Wear yoga pants every day and occasionally put them on inside out.
41. Put lotion, hand soap or hemorrhoid cream on your toothbrush.
42. Leave laundry in the washing machine until it smells and then wash it again.
43. Bump into every surface of your house and have at least 10 unexplained bruises.
44. Melt down in inappropriate places and in front of anyone lucky enough to see you that day—neighbors, pediatrician, UPS driers, among others.
45. Crash into the garage door or have other fender benders often.
46. Buy paper plates and cups so you don’t have to deal with dishes.
47. Laugh uncontrollably at things that just aren’t funny and find yourself wondering if you are losing your mind.
48. Have every intention of making a delicious meal, buy the ingredients, and then watch them expire in your refrigerator.
49. Wish that for just one day your partner could breastfeed your child.
50. Remember the days when you had your act together and wonder if they will ever return.
If any of the above items apply to you, you are probably a sleep-deprived mom. Welcome to the club! Membership is free and will probably last for the next 18 years.