I recently noticed that my it-takes-a-village demographic is disproportionately occupied by moms. These moms chime in with their funny stories and sage advice, hailing from down the street, a few towns over, a phone call away, and even the Internet. Together we have conquered toddler tantrums and tweendom. We have laughed over spilled milk. We have ranted and raved.
I love my mom friends and I need them in order to get through my day with some modicum of sanity and humor. If it were not for Facebook or unlimited text, I think I would have lost my mind along with my patience ages ago.
For all the love and gratitude I feel for my mom posse, I can’t help but get exasperated when some of these 7 crappy holier-than-thou attitudes wreck a conversation and leave me wondering what the hell kind of advice I was asking about to begin with.
1. The Know-It-All. She is the one who knows everything about everything about children. Never mind that her first child is only 3 months old. She will tell you the ins and outs of every single parenting theory. She can tell you the history of Benadryl. She can’t say colic without giving you the Latin root word followed by a 9 minute diatribe about how her magical vial of rare bird tears will cure her kid of discomfort.
2. The One Upper. She is the one who, well-intended or not, will stomp the snot out of your little victories in life. For example, I pulled a miracle out of my derriere and completed 7 of the 133 things on my to do list. She finished all 133 things on her list and still had time to whip up a 23-step Pinterest-inspired dessert, get the car washed, and give her husband a blowjob. My pre-schooler just mastered counting to 20. Her pre-schooler can count to 100. In French.
3. The Been There Done That. Nothing feels more condescending to me than to describe a parenting situation that is frustrating or perplexing, only to have my friend shoot back with a been there, done that, LOL. Oh, really? You have? Well then perhaps you remember how upsetting it was and how much more helpful practical advice or just listening would be, rather than showing off how seasoned you are as a parent.
4. The Preaching To The Choir. I accidentally mentioned that we don’t let our kids eat at drive-thru burger joints. (Yeah, yeah, I know. I’m the world’s meanest mom.) And then I was forced to sit through a pithy lecture on childhood obesity, that book The Omnivores Dilemma, and why the French style of eating is better for kids. Yeah. I know all that. That’s why we don’t eat fast food.
5. The Queen Of Denial. She is fun to mess with because apparently humiliating parental milestones never happen to her. So spill the beans on all of those cheeks-burning-red mommy tales. Like that time that my kid told a really embarrassing and inappropriate knock-knock joke featuring the B word in front of grandma. Or that time the baby spit up down my back and I didn’t notice while I strolled through the aisles of Target.
6. The Inappropriate Loud Mouth. You know, I love to share, but I don’t love to over share. You won’t find me posting crude updates on Facebook about how the hubs really gave it to me last night. And you won’t find me bragging about what a genius among slobbering tots my kid is. And while I can commiserate with the universal truth that kids of any age can sometimes be assholes, I don’t think it is necessary to be pointing that out all the time.
7. The Obnoxious Natural Parent. I love natural parenting. You know what I don’t love? Being told that I’m the scourge of the earth for using disposable diapers when my cloth diapers start leaking. Or being told that using Benadryl is the same thing as using strychnine. Or being told that I’m not trying hard enough as a mother if I yell or if I swear under my breath when I’m beyond frustrated.
To be candid and totally fair, I can see a little bit of myself in a few of these bulleted complaints.
Now be honest, which one of these are you guilty of?
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