Every great once in a while, you will find a way to shed the yoga pants and tank tops for an evening, sans kiddos. Because an adult night out happens so rarely, it becomes a huge ordeal, with twists and turns along the way to the promised land. Here are the 7 stages you will trek through to achieve your evening of child-free bliss.
1. Invitation: You get a phone call, or a text message, or an Evite, and all you can think is, “Yes! Yes! A million times yes!” While you type your response in the affirmative, the baby spits up on you — because he knows. Secretly, behind his adorable cherub face, he knows what you are planning. Nobody leaves baby with a sitter.
2. The Sitter Search: With dreams of an ice-cold margarita in your hand, you begin the daunting task of finding someone to watch your little blessings for a couple of hours away from home. You ask the grandparents first because free is good. When you discover they all are attending the same disco night at Del Boca Vista (Phase III), you start on the local high schoolers. After exhausting all your avenues, you consider the pizza delivery guy from the other night. After all, the baby only cried half the time he was at the door, and he handled the barrage of Nerf bullets from the preschooler’s gun without screaming expletives. Maybe he can bring a pizza too?
3. The Acceptance: By the time you get back to the hostess to confirm, you’re just hoping her sitter hasn’t bailed. And that she intentionally invited you. After all, your life isn’t all that interesting lately. You start reading some current New York Times Bestsellers so you have something to talk about other than diaper explosions, The Real Housewives of New Jersey, and how to remove bloodstains from soccer jerseys. You have time to finish one chapter and read the Wikipedia instead.
4. What to Wear: Everything in your closet is either maternity or active wear for activities you don’t actually participate in. You venture to Target to find a shirt that carefully minimizes your milky-white whale belly while accentuating your bodacious tatas. You find the perfect shirt, and the baby spits up on it in the fitting room. You purchase it, along with some OxiClean.
5. Preparing your house: You spend all day of the exciting adult night cleaning your house from top to bottom. You don’t want the pizza guy to think you really live like this. You throw out your back while mopping the floor. You pour a glass of wine and ignore that shit, because your brain needs this, body be damned.
6. Preparing the kids: You whip out all the board games you hate to play, all the junk food you hate to feed them, and every episode of Spongebob you can find. You remind yourself that if you aren’t around to witness the debauchery, it’s like it didn’t really happen. Tomorrow is a new day for organic vegetables and gluten free treats. Tonight is about margaritas with extra salt.
7. Preparing your spouse: Remind him he is a grown man and can dress himself. Also remind him that if he plays his cards right, he can undress you later. Take the image of your milky-white whale belly and shove it far from your mind. Write yourself a reminder to join a gym on Monday.
It’s finally time to leave the house. After running from your screaming children like your life depends on a quick getaway, you realize that all this preparation has left you too exhausted to actually engage in conversation with anyone. You and Hubby order drive-thru tacos and buy a bottle of tequila. You park 5 houses down from where you live and eat in silence while taking swigs from the bottle. You return home at 10:30 with a good buzz to find all the children are still awake, while the pizza guy is snoozing comfortably on your La-Z-Boy. Oh well, at least you don’t have to drive him home.
Related post: 30 Ways You Know You Need a Night Out
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