8 Things I Will Never Subject My Vagina To

by Mary McLaurine
Originally Published: 
Image via Shutterstock

Dear Vagina,

With all of the crazy things I see going on out there these days, I just want you to know there are some places I am not willing to go with you…

1. Vagina Knitting. No matter how old and feeble, bored or lonely I may get when my children no longer visit frequently, or how many cats I adopt, I promise I will never insert a skein of yarn into your cute, cavernous cubby and sit for hours in a chair tugging on the string of yarn dangling between my thighs to fashion a cozy winter scarf or cuddly baby blanket. I know what you are thinking, “What about those cats who refuse to come inside in winter, they’ll need little cardigans to keep warm!” Indeed they may, but I promise, you won’t be knitting any kitty cardigans!

2. Vagina Yogurt. I may have to live on a very tight, fixed income, but I promise you I will never resort to using you as a food source. Yes, I know you read about a college girl at the University of Wisconsin who did indeed make vagina yogurt. It is true, you do produce “good” bacteria that when cultivated can be transformed into yogurt containing healthy probiotics. Fortunately for us both, I hate yogurt — both the vagina (I’m sure, no sample needed) and non-vagina kind. The student said it was sour and tangy and was quite tasty when combined with blueberries (I shudder to think where she cultivated those berries from). I will say that this young college student has forever tainted my thoughts about exploring “new cultures.”

3. Vagina Waxing. You can relax. The thought of a “hair removal technician” pouring hot wax on you, ripping your mimsy moss out by the roots, and leaving you completely bald and looking like a prepubescent child is more than I can bear and more of you than I want to bare. What if the “Hair Removal Technician” has had too much coffee and is a bit overzealous? What if she is angry and secretly hates looking at hairy, in-need-of-waxing cooters all day? Not only is this a potentially dangerous combination but you could end up with one less labia majora than when we entered — and although I’m sure it’s available, there will be no labia majora implant operation in your future. Don’t be jealous of those women flaunting their exceptionally large labia, you should be loved just the way you are. Billy Joel said so and it was a big hit for him!

4. Vagina Piercing. I cannot for the life of me figure out why I would even consider this. I’ve found that for most women, piercing their clitoral hood can be quite as painful as piercing the actual clitoris itself. Gee, ya think? Apparently it enhances their sexual experience and has the added benefit of allowing one to become sexually aroused just walking around. I personally do not want to have a Meg Ryan coffee shop experience while shopping at Safeway! My son’s friend works there, and I know it would ruin him for life to see his best friend’s mom in a state of Clitoral Hood Piercing Eroticus in the dairy aisle. I fear that my gyrations of sexual arousal could easily be mistaken for some sort of seizure and would land us in the hospital. So no, this will not be happening!

5. Vagina Bleaching. “The best intimate skin whitening products are able to help whiten the look of skin tone to make it appear more radiant and evenly toned.”

I cannot imagine you have changed so much over the years that you have become unevenly toned and any less radiant than you ever were, am I right? I know one of the first things I think upon wakening in the morning is, “Is my vagina as radiant today as it could be?” My answer is always a resounding, “Why YES, yes it is!” I know I have answered the question correctly when I walk down the corridor at work and one of my coworkers says, “My, Mary, I can tell by your saunter that your vagina is even more radiant today than it was just yesterday, if that’s even possible!!! How do you get those skin tones so even? Absolutely amazing, don’t ever let anyone ever fool you into thinking you need to bleach that super snatch of yours!” Now I have that Manfred Mann song running through my mind, “Blinded by the light, wrapped up like a douche, my vag is shining bright.”

6. Vagina Steaming. OK, this one is easy. I will never steam clean you because hard as I might try, I cannot find one wrinkle on you. I see no reason to squat and teeter over a boiling cauldron of witch’s brew consisting of Eye of Newt, Chicken Lips, various herbs from the Rosemary’s Baby Devil’s Brew Vagina Steaming Twig and Berry Kit, so that you can be scorched simply because it is hailed to be “therapeutic and holistic.” What? However, the main reason I would never steam clean you, my little cooter carpet, is because, Gwyneth Paltrow.

7. Vagina Collagen. Yes, you are correct. Collagen is now for both sets of lips! I know, no way, right? This procedure, available for a mere $1500, is an injection shot directly into the elusive G-spot! Some women claim to have found this Holy Grail, but a large majority of women are still on the hunt for its exact location. Men have died looking for the elusive G-spot, or so legend tells us. This injection is said to enhance sexual gratification and lasts up to four months. Good grief, isn’t this why the vibrator was invented? Think of it, for $1500 you and I could go on a Caribbean vacation with our vibrator and return even more radiant, tanned, and evenly toned than when we left!

8. Vagina Decorating. We knew it was coming — women are now disenchanted with “vajazzling” their love muff. I know you and I disagreed on this one, and you really wanted me to paste those shiny little sequins on you so you could feel “pretty, oh so pretty,” but the thought of the hot glue gun, my failing eyesight, the hand tremors from my meds, and the inevitable spilling of all the sequins was too much for me to handle. Some women are regretting the bald beaver look and want to add some jazz to their snazz. They can now decorate their regrettably pale (you bleached it, remember, idiot?) labias with some “Beaver Blush”! They can have crystals embedded under the labial skin to give them more texture and “energy,” or opt for a customized twatty tattoo, guaranteed to last several sweaty sexcapades or 5 days, whichever or whoever comes first. You, my already magnificent mimsy, will be getting none of the above. Yes, you can exhale now (but don’t make that gross sound when you do, please!).

So, there you have it, my promise to you that I will never subject you to any of the above mentioned vaginal experiences. Think how excited you will be when this great vaginapalooza is over and the ever popular au naturel look is back! There will only be a few of you in the country that can revive the ’60s Beautiful Bush Hog Beaver Muff, and you will be the envy of all the bald, steamed, pierced, vajacialed, vajeweled, vajuvinated, knitting and yogurt producing vajayjay’s!

The world will be your clam — oops, I mean oyster!!

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