8 Things I'm Getting Too Old to Tolerate

Wasting My Time

No, I don’t want to watch your wedding video. Do you remember seven years ago when I bought a plane ticket to fly across the country, paid for three nights in a hotel and got you a gift? Yeah? Well, I do. And I promise if I want to relive that night I will ask to watch your wedding video.

Orderly Direction

You’ve already ordered your food at the deli, now move aside and let everyone behind you order. I promise you’ll get your food in the same exact time if you step to the side. There’s no reason for you to be crowding the counter and boxing people out like you’re trying to get a rebound. MOVE!

Invaded Personal Space

Mr. Gas Station attendant, I purposely place my hand one inch below yours when you’re giving me my change so our hands don’t touch. It’s nothing against you—it’s me. I just don’t like touching strangers.

Disingenuousness

Do you know what “disingenuous” means? It’s when you apologize for the third time in five minutes for checking your phone at dinner. I know, I know—you need to send just one more text because it’s important, but stop apologizing for it because I don’t believe you. I’d rather you just be rude and not say anything.

Loud Eating

Hey, Tammy Twizzler, lighten up on the popcorn—I’m trying to watch a movie here. Seriously, I’m considering getting you a feed bag, because every time you scoop a handful of buttery kernels, only half of it goes into your mouth while the other half is pinned around your face. It’s soooooooooooo loud. Please stop.

Inefficiency

Dear dude in the car in front of me at Taco Bell, you’ve been at the order window for five minutes now. And from the looks of it, this isn’t your first drive-thru. Come on, let’s go! I’m going to be conservative here—Taco Bell hasn’t changed their menu in about 100 years, and I’m going to guess that it took you at least five minutes to drive here. Think about what you want in advance.

Playing Me

Hey, friend I haven’t heard from in over a year—I know, it’s great to hear from you too. But if you’re going to ask a favor, can you do it in the first five minutes of the call? I’d much rather you tell me the real reason why you’re calling than pretend it’s an afterthought. And for the record—I’m much more likely to help you out if you’re up front about it.

Poor Call Screening

Don’t text me “what’s up” right after I call you and you don’t pick up. Either call me back or follow through with your ruse of missing my call.