The movies have been lying to mothers for years. It’s as if they think the moment you push a baby into the world, your brain becomes complete mush. Well, it might be mush, but you still have the general concept of normal maternal behavior. Don’t let Hollywood fool you. Here are some of the ways your favorite movies lie to you about motherhood:
1. Sixteen Candles
It is unfathomable that a mother would ever forget her child’s birthday, especially her 16th birthday. We do live for that shit. It’s also insane that a mother would marry her oldest off to the first loser that came around. And would you let your daughter pop muscle relaxants like candy before her wedding? No!
2. Home Alone
As much as you might sometimes want to, a mother is never going to forget her kid on a trip to France. I don’t care if you have six kids, and houseguests, and the power goes out, which makes you late for your plane. You have one job. Remembering your kids. The rest is just details.
3. Mommy Dearest
No wire hangers? Really? If wire hangers are a deal breaker for you, it’s pretty clear that you have too much time on your hands. I feel like I’ve won the Nobel prize when my kids put their dirty laundry in the hamper instead of around it. If they’re hanging their shirts up on their own, those hangers could be a metal pipe for all I care.
4. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
Look Hollywood, stop the lies. A mother knows when her child is actually sick or just faking. This is because before we were mothers, we too were teenagers. We tried every trick in the book with our own mothers, and they shot that shit down faster than you can say, “Bueller…Bueller.” Motherhood makes you hyper-aware of bullshit.
5. Baby Boom
I know it’s possible to be a mother and run a start-up business from the ground up that becomes a success. It can happen, but this pack of lies makes it look effortless. “Oh hey, I have an idea. I’ll just become a gourmet baby food chef, and a marketing manager, and a CEO, and a CFO, all while I’m raising a toddler. Easy peasy.” Ahem. Not. The last time I tried to cook something from scratch with a toddler in the house, we ended up ordering a pizza, because no one wants to eat burnt spaghetti and charred meatballs.
6. Troop Beverly Hills
When Phyllis Nefler is in the middle of a divorce, she decides to show her soon to be ex-husband that she can finish one thing she starts. Personally, I would have chosen a crochet project or a batch of brownies, but girlfriend Phyllis wants to go big or go home as the den mother to her daughter’s Wilderness Troop. Camping with kids is hard enough, but Phyllis does it in 6-inch stilettos and designer clothes, with her hair perfectly coiffed, without knowing how a compass works—and they still win the Wilderness Girl Jamboree. Talk about unreasonable expectations.
7. The Karate Kid
It would only take one black eye on my kid for me to march right down to his school and wreak havoc. Mrs. LaRusso does nothing. Nothing! Daniel luckily happens upon Mr. Miyagi and convinces him to teach him karate. Daniel gets his ass kicked a couple more times, and his mother still stands idly by. That would never happen in real life. Never. I’d use some vigilante justice before I stuck my head in the sand.
As the movie opens, we learn that the Walsh family can no longer afford the payments on their house and are being forced to relocate. Look, if you can’t save your house from foreclosure, I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t be able to hire someone to pack up your entire house to move, as Mrs. Walsh has employed Rosalita. Even if you have a broken arm, even if you have a broken leg, stop lying to me Hollywood. Moms never get a break from being a mom.