9 Things We Won't Tell Mom About

by Turney Duff
Originally Published: 

Perhaps a bit cliché, but sometimes it’s not that far off. And moms don’t need to know that.

“Maybe we should keep this our little secret,” a dad will say to his kids. “Let’s not tell mom about this.”

And then the promise becomes official with a pinky swear.

I’m sure some could argue that there should never be any secrets between father and mother when it comes to their kids. But I’m not a perfect parent, so there’s that… And I also believe that having a few secrets sometimes creates a special bond. You’re in it together.

So Here Are 9 Things We Won’t Tell Mom

1. As soon as we see mom’s car pull out of the driveway, the living room is instantly transformed into a Cirque du Soleil obstacle course. The couch cushions are removed and placed at the bottom of the Reigns of Fire Pit, which must be avoided at all costs. All of the other furniture is pushed to the edge and used as a spring board to throw any and all opponents trying to complete the course into the pit. But as soon as we hear a car door slam in the driveway, we immediately reconstruct the original layout of the living room.

2. Sometimes we break shit. Did you know that a saucer from the china cabinet makes an excellent sled for Barbie? Then all you have to do is shove her down a snow bank and watch her fly. It’s great fun until one breaks. But if there are 19 other saucers just like it in the cabinet, does dad really need to tell mom? Trust me on this: All dads know exactly where the Superglue is—it’s in the back of the junk drawer on the left-hand side.

3. The MPAA ratings are there for a reason—we know. And of course we aren’t letting our 10-year-old watch The Wolf of Wall Street, but maybe the kids are ready for a little Hunger Games or Pitch Perfect. Although it’s not until after they screen it that we realize it might have been a mistake, so we decide to make a silent pact with them.

4. Who likes going to Target? Not me. So when our kids come with us to run errands, there’s always a request for a special present. Dads know that Random Present Day doesn’t go over very well at the dinner table. So the plan is to sneak the present into the basement or the bedroom and put it in the pile of other toys before Mom notices. It’s almost impossible to notice a new toy car.

5. If there’s a football game on television, the iPad screen time is extended. I won’t tell if you don’t.

6. All dads know that ice cream isn’t for dinner, but sometimes it just happens. But a husband doesn’t want to lie to his wife, so they tend to keep things generic: “Yeah, we ate around 5 o’clock.” There’s no reason to add details like what you actually ate. This falls under the You Didn’t Ask So We Didn’t Tell policy.

7. We got some “snacks” at the movie theater. Let’s just leave it at that.

8. We know what time bedtime is, and it’s important. But what’s an extra 45 minutes between daddy and daughter? And we are well aware that we’ll be in more trouble than our child if bedtime is missed. So there’s no need to tell mom as long as the child is sleeping when she gets home.

9. There’s no need to make mom worry about a minor traffic violation. Right?

Now that I’ve just written this article, I’ve screwed myself. But don’t worry—I still have a few tricks up my sleeve.

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