9 Things That Make Me Feel Sexy That Probably Shouldn't

1) Being home alone and singing along with Goldfrapp while I sit at the kitchen table and work.

2) Wearing a Cthulhu t-shirt that is too tight and has a terrible hole right in the middle of the bottom part. YOU KNOW THAT HOLE. Everyone gets a hole in their t-shirts right there. Is it from the buttons on our jeans? Is it from the seatbelt? It’s terrible. And yet? Does not stop me from feeling sexy in the Cthulhu t-shirt.

3) When Childish Gambino sings “I’m goin’ straight for your thighs like the cake you ate.” *swoon*

4) Making a successful pot of rice. Yeah, that’s right, look at me, the lady with the fluffy white rice. Baby. Yeah. Uh-huh. So soft in your mouth. Not even crunchy at all.

5) Watching the dick in the souped-up Civic speed past me only to get trapped by the city bus, just like I knew he would because I drive this stretch of road at least 3,645,537 times a day.

6) Wearing sunglasses as a headband. Seriously. It makes my hair look great. Sunglasses as headbands are the shower-singing of your head. Or something like that. You know what I mean.

7) Drinking grapefruit-infused vodka. I mean, this is kind of cheating, because at some point vodka is going to make everyone feel sexy. But what I mean is that there’s something about the zing of the grapefruit and the buzz of the vodka that instantly transports me to a beach or an outdoor café, and suddenly, instead of being the exhausted mom on the couch at 9 p.m., I’m the sexy exhausted mom on the couch, smiling weirdly because she’s imagining the beach.

8) Wearing heels at the airport and pretending I’m Scully.

9) Using a typewriter in public. To write poems on request. For strangers. (I am the queen of sexy nacho poems, in case you were wondering. Seriously. I am the Stifler’s mom of nacho poems.)