A Handy Translation Of Your Friend's Recent Facebook Post

by Brette Sember
Originally Published: 

This morning I baked gluten-free, nut-free agave fair trade oatmeal cookies

[I only allow my child to eat unprocessed, homemade foods with ingredients harvested by workers paid at least U.S. minimum wage; I also believe sugar causes autism.]

for Thor’s homeschooling group,

[Common Core is destroying education, and I have given up my job to provide my child with a comprehensive humanized education so he can save the world. Your child clearly isn’t going to amount to anything.]

which I adapted from a recipe

[Unlike you hopeless direction-followers, I actively adapt and mold recipes and see cooking as a creative and exciting process.]

from the private cooking class I enjoyed with Ina Garten in Paris when I took myself there alone for my birthday last year.

[Self-care is a priority in my life, and I have arranged my resources and schedule to optimize it and you need to question why you have not managed to do the same.]

Davidus took the Prius to a meeting

[Because we are conscious of fossil fuel impact on the warming environment, we use our environmentally conscious car sparingly and you are ruining the world for our future adopted grandchildren with your minivan.]

so I biked Thor to the public library

[I exercise simply as a regular part of my life which is why I and my children are so perfectly healthy and you are a sloth, and I do not believe in owning things so we only borrow books instead of buying them.]

where I do a workshop with homeless children about expressing their class concerns via personal memoir.

[Giving back is not optional, and we all must do our part, and I’m just letting you know I’m doing mine, so what’s yours? Homelessness is an issue even in my privileged yet aware community, so clearly it must also be an issue in yours. The world would be a better place if everyone just had the opportunity to express themselves.]

We were thrilled to see the gently used computer desks that I arranged for my husband’s company to donate to the library already in place.

[Reuse, renew, recycle is the way to protect our planet and I exerted my influence, okay my husband’s influence, on his company to get them to make this donation because I care. Although I prefer my children have limited screen time, I believe we need to provide Internet access to people of all socioeconomic classes.]

I listened to Tauk on the way home.

[Ha! Made you Google it!]

When we got back, Artemis and her friends were home from the daughters-only day at the mother-daughter book club we belong to

[The most important thing you can give your child is a love of reading, and this begins at birth and continues through enforced mother-daughter book clubs featuring books that explore topics involving race, feminism, classism, feminism, body image and feminism.]

and constructed prototype affordable dwellings for the homeless

[Did you know homelessness is my issue?]

out of the cardboard I had already recycled as a litter box liner

[Children need to get dirty so that they will have healthy immune systems.]

and now there are scraps of cardboard

[Children are supposed to make messes, and I revel in controlling my neatnik tendencies to allow them to express their burgeoning creativity.]

all over my eco-friendly stained bamboo hardwood floors.

[Bamboo is sustainable, and the wood stain in your house is poisoning your children. God help you if you have wall-to-wall carpeting which is clearly causing your child’s allergies.]

They ran out of unbleached hemp twine

[I believe in children using basic household items as toys because it stimulates creativity, which is the most important skill your child needs to become successful.]

when little Vesuvius realized the shelters need anchors to withstand hurricanes,

[I have made sure my children’s friends understand the climate-induced dangers that people in developing countries face and have suggested we work as a team of humanity to look for solutions in our creative play sessions.]

so I had to stop sowing the heirloom seeds

[I say N-O to anything GMO because I am protecting my children’s development while clearly you are willing to allow your child to ingest food altered in a lab.]

in our cold frame greenhouse

[Everyone needs to take responsibility for their own food sources because American farmers are being pushed out of business by big agro.]

and bike down to the consignment store to get some more twine for them, but they were out and I saw this as a teachable moment and opportunity to say no.

[Unlike you, I concentrate on creating limits for my children. I want them to know they can’t have everything they want and that I am their parent, not their friend.]

When I got home, I fed our rescue dog, Lenin,

[Puppy mills, particularly those run by the Amish, are a source of torture, despair and darkness in our world, and I don’t care where you got your dog, if it’s not a rescue, you are clearly in favor of puppy mills]

and suddenly missed my mentor, Augustina,

[People as intelligent and accomplished as myself are part of a circle of women who hold each other up. Your lack of success is explained by your failure to engage within the correct circle.]

who died unexpectedly of breast cancer last year after months at a yoga-cancer retreat center.

[The medical establishment has marginalized women’s health care and does not provide comprehensive mind-body care for the illnesses plaguing us, which we all know are caused by preventable environmental factors.]

Just when I was at my lowest point,

[I am vulnerable.]

Davidus came home and immediately cleared up the cardboard detritus and gave me a massage with essential oils. #blessed #gratitute

[My marriage is perfect and yours actually sucks. Oh, and my life is pretty damn awesome compared to yours. See if you can top this post now.]

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