If you’ve never been in an adult toy store, you should go. Remember how fun it was to get a new toy as a child? Well, the adult toy store is even better than that. There are all sorts of things that will spark your imagination and put a grin on your face in a matter of minutes. Whether you are trying to spice up your sex life with a 50 Shades of Grey paddle or buy the “I Don’t Need a Man” 12-inch annihilator, you will find what you need.
When you’re ready to go, my advice would be to drive about an hour from where you live to avoid running into local perverts. Spend some time checking out the merchandise, and shop until you drop. While scanning the shelves on my recent trip, I overheard a few customers who may have been in the store for the first time. Here are a few things I overheard:
1. What if we see someone we know?
2. I think the cashier is looking at me.
3. OMG, what is that for?
4. Can I have that?
5. You put it where?
6. Are you serious? Stop it, you’re serious?!
7. Why does that light up?
8. Is this safe?
9. I don’t think you should put that in your mouth.
10. Are you sure you put that in there?
11. Batteries are very expensive.
12. What happens if it falls out?
13. Why do you want to swing from the ceiling? That doesn’t seem safe. I am not sure that my homeowners policy would cover that.
14. I think I will pass on anything that clamps. I have sensitive skin.
15. This costs how much?!
16. Why are there diamonds on it? You know where I’m gonna put it, right? I don’t need diamonds in there.
17. Why does it need to be waterproof? Are we planning on swimming?
18. Jelly gives me heartburn. I don’t think I want pineapple-flavored heartburn.
19. Why do you want to be blindfolded and handcuffed? I don’t like being that surprised.
20. No refunds or exchanges. People try to return this stuff?!
Remember to relax and have fun. Everyone in the store is doing the same thing you are. No one in there is judging you—unless you buy the 2-foot-long ding-dong. Even the cashier will judge you if you do that. Medical science will judge you if you do that. And if you are uncomfortable with the idea of being in a store, I have heard that the porn industry also has a huge internet presence.