Alternative Facts Are The Best Thing To Ever Happen To Parenting

by Mike Julianelle
Originally Published: 

Thanks to ubiquitous Trump spokesperson Kellyanne Conway and her interview with Chuck Todd on NBC’s Meet the Press Sunday morning, “alternative facts” is the hot new phrase that’s sweeping the nation!

Sure, along with White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer’s blatant lying — sorry, alternative truth-telling — about the size of the crowd that attended and watched President Trump’s inauguration, it’s a terrifying glimpse at the Orwellian tactics the new administration will be employing in our new post-truth world, but still, it’s pretty damn catchy.

Social media certainly seems to enjoy brandishing it, gleefully using the term to recast the upcoming Super Bowl and reinterpret last November’s election.

Such creativity gives me an idea. What a glorious world this would be if we could all just alter reality to fit our needs, and no one could use alternative facts more than parents.

Let’s give it a shot.

Alternative Facts for Parents

– Pregnancy is like being on Ecstasy for nine months. A little sweaty, but totally blissful!

– Labor is completely painless. You won’t even realize it’s happening, then all of a sudden there’s a swaddled bundle of joy in your arms.

– Literally no one cares if you breastfeed in public. Let ‘er rip!

– Oh, you use formula? Whatever! Fed is best and everyone on the internet respectfully agrees.

– Are you tired? Easy: Just nap when they nap! There definitely won’t be anything else to do during that time, don’t worry about it.

– No one cares about your parenting choices, believe me. Especially not on Facebook. You do you!

– Colic is nothing but a myth. Like teething and sleep regression and radioactive poop.

– Crying it out? ENJOY! The process is hella smooth, will only take one night — if that! — and you won’t feel even slightly guilty.

– Not that you’ll need CIO. Your kid will sleep through the night from day one, PERIOD.

– If you need parenting advice, you’ll have to ask for it. Parents are notoriously shy about offering their opinion.

There is literally nothing easier than installing a car seat. Unless you count properly strapping your baby into it!

– Go ahead, post a photo of you wearing your baby. Watch the praise roll in!

– Dadbods are super attractive.

– The threenager? Another myth.

– Potty training is relaxing and totally stress-free.

– Go ahead and take your time in the bathroom. The couch will be totally spotless when you get out, I promise.

– Family dinner will be the highlight of your day. Kids will eat anything!

– Don’t even bother with a rewards chart or 1-2-3 Magic or any of that. Just speak calmly and firmly, and you’ll never have to repeat yourself.

– Time-outs work like a charm. Every single time.

– Teenagers get a bad rap. They are actually helpful and obedient and always in a good mood and totally trustworthy and not at all constantly asking for money or to borrow the car, and they’re definitely never trying to have sex or drink and drugs. That’s nothing but fake news from the lamestream media!

– You’re going to love doing the mountains of laundry. Folding those mountains of laundry is even more gratifying. Promise.

– Common Core is the most natural thing in the world. Helping your kids with their math homework will be a breeze!

– Toddlers are very reasonable.

– Everything is so cheap!

Tantrums do happen, but never at Target when you’re late for an appointment and your hands are full and everyone’s staring at you.

– Moms can have it all!

– When it’s finally bedtime, you’ll be fighting it more than they are! You’ll never want a single magical day in your life as a parent to end.

– Alcohol? Once you have kids, you won’t need it. Parenting is a natural high!

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