This mom buying Kleenex in bulk for her teenage sons gets it
Life with teenage boys is a hoot. Of course every kid is different, but for many moms with young men in the house, it means smelly athletic clothing all over the place, never being able to keep enough food in the fridge, and a dirty toilet seat for a good several years.
It also means, um, going through lots of tissues.
Yup. Living with teen boys means constantly trying to avoid walking in on them taking care of business — or coming across the gross evidence of that business. There’s really no way to put it delicately; young dudes jerk off a lot, and that means they need a way to clean up after themselves. Enter, buying Kleenex in bulk, as hilariously described by this mom in an Amazon review for the ages. Warning: this made me laugh so hard I thought I might pop a vein in my face.
“I want to start this off by thanking Kleenex for selling these in 36-packs. I’ve put it on subscription, and if they want to start selling a 72-pack, sign me up. I have three reasons for needing this much Kleenex, and their names are Liam, Samuel and Hank,” she writes.
Then, she lays it out, plain as day. If you have sons, you better start taking notes — this woman knows a thing or 12.
“This is how it goes in this house. First the Kleenex disappears. Then the toilet paper. Then they go for fabrics. And you don’t want it to get there, unless you’re ready to invest in a five gallon drum of Febreze.”
No, I am not ready to make that investment. Tell me what I need to do, please.
“This used to be a good Christian home. But it’s not about moral judgment anymore,” she admits. “I’m way beyond that. I’m in survival mode.”
Basically, Kleenex are an absolute must if she doesn’t want to make certain…discoveries. “If I don’t supply absorbent paper products, I’m going to find my dish towels hidden in the basement, stiff as aluminum. The other day, I almost cut my hand on a sock. I am sorry to speak so frankly, but with three teenage boys, a woman has got to be practical.”
We totally get it.
Then this hero lets us in on the dark realities of living with three boys going through this special time at the same god damn time. Spoiler alert: it’s not pretty.
“The funny part is, they think they’re being sneaky, with their 45 minute showers and sudden need for ‘privacy’, as if I’m going to walk in on them journaling. They slink around the house like unfixed cats, while I try to announce my location at all times.”
Unfixed cats. This woman needs to be my new BFF.
“No one needs to ask me to knock anymore,” she says. “I knock on the walls. I practically wear a cow bell. I’m not looking to catch anyone by surprise, believe me. I’m just trying to get through this.”
So imagine her annoyance when the one person in the family who should understand what’s going on is seemingly oblivious. Because of course he is.
“The other day my husband was watching me unload the groceries, and he asks me, all sweetness and light, ‘Honey, what’re you doing with all that Kleenex?’ I about knocked him off his chair.”
Thank God for Amazon and buying tissues in bulk.