Yes, we all signed up to be parents, and for the most part, we love it. (Keep saying that over and over again until you believe it.) But there are some very irritating parts about this parenthood gig—things you want to sling poo at (just like your toddler does, which is also really annoying).
1. Everybody has an opinion about what you’re doing and how you’re doing it. And they will tell you, whether you ask for their advice or not.
2. You will never sleep through the night again ever.
3. The smells—oh the smells! The dirty diapers, the socks, the feet, the armpits, week-old, half-empty, milk cheese-filled sippy cups.
4. “Family vacation” is an oxymoron.
5. A large portion of your job is called “Crap Management” where you learn to handle both the literal and figurative forms of excrement. Why do they have so much stuff?
6. Going to the grocery store or doctor’s office without kids will be your only time off. Of course, that’s only if you’re lucky enough to have someone to watch them when you’re gone.
7. Kids are the most expensive investment you will ever make. They suck every last dollar out of your bank account.
8. Kids are independent beings and never do what you want, when you want them to, especially if you let them know what you want.
9. You will be wracked with guilt that you haven’t done enough for them—for the rest of your life. (But trust me, you have.)
10. You become a chauffeur. And a short-order cook, a maid, a homework dictator, a butt-wiper, and a professional snot-slinger.
11. Kids bring every sickness home with them and pass them onto you. (Did I mention lice?)
12. Kids need to eat—like every single day and multiple times a day. But, spoiler alert, they never like what you make for them. If their friend’s mom makes the exact same thing, however, they love it.
13. You can give up on having a clean house until they go off to college.
14. When they’re young, you have to force your kids to take a shower. When they hit their teen years, you can’t get them out of the shower. (Important note: Do not interrupt teenage boys in the shower.)
15. Children don’t listen to a word you say, unless you’re on the phone, whispering to someone else or swearing.
16. You will not be able to go to the bathroom in peace again—until they go to school. But then you don’t have someone to fetch you another roll of toilet paper.
17. Assembling toys requires an advanced engineering degree. And the toys are loud—really, really loud—and require 43 AA batteries.
18. Inevitably, you will come across a booger collection behind the couch, and another beside their bed, and in the backseat of the car.
19. Kids are completely irrational; they have meltdowns over the wackiest of things—like putting pants on or not putting pants on.
20. Babies and little kids never sleep when you want them to. Teens sleep when you don’t want them to, and it’s impossible to wake them up.
21. They can’t wipe their own butts until age 5, and even then their skill is questionable.
22. The laundry you slaved over inevitably lines the floor of the kids’ rooms, mixed in randomly with the dirty clothes, of course.
23. They repeat every word you say, including the curse words. And they mimic everything you do, including doing shots (with their milk, of course).
24. Kids don’t understand any of the sacrifices you make, and they won’t—until they’re parents themselves.
25. And let’s not forget about you. You can’t remember anything: what you did yesterday, your children’s birthdates, why you came in the room, where you left your glasses (that are on your face).
You know what though? When I look at my beautiful (smelly), funny (loud), fabulous (messy) children, I wouldn’t trade them for the world. We’re all doing awesome.