According to Facebook, I Am Doing Everything Wrong. And So Are You.

All day long as I scroll through my Facebook feed, I learn about one failure of mine after another. From the most mundane tasks to the ones that could change my life, I am blowing it, with Facebook there to remind me every step of the way. And the truth is, I don’t really need the reminder. I’m already so insecure about everything, from my general comportment to my major life choices, that these headlines are a screaming confirmation of all of my deepest fears. “The jig is up!” they call out. “You can’t do anything right and the Internet knows it!” The Internet, where I used to go to get away from all my neurotic cares and woes, has finally turned on me.

I’m not just cutting things wrong, cooking things wrong, and peeling things wrong, I’m even EATING things wrong. And while cooking isn’t a favorite activity of mine, I consider eating a daily joy, something that provided great comfort until the discovery that I clearly suck at it.

Maybe you’re doing it wrong too. Let’s start with some simple fruits and vegetables.

You’re cutting pineapple and watermelon wrong, and therefore, eating it wrong too.

You’re peeling oranges wrong, and bananas too, because you’re supposed to ignore that enticing pullable stem at the top of your banana and peel from the bottom instead, like a monkey.

Eggs are a minefield of missteps. You’re scrambling them wrong, and if you try boiling them, not only are you hard boiling them wrong, you’re peeling them wrong when you’re done. (Am I the only person who never found egg peeling all that challenging?)

Onions, cherry tomatoes, kiwi … WRONG. Whatever you’re doing with them, it’s not right and you need to know it, and feel lousy about it.

Then there’s cake. What could be wrong about cake? In my world, cake solves problems, it doesn’t create them. Well, I’ve got some news: The you’re-cutting-cake-wrong advocates have bungled it. They want us to slice the middle of the cake and then push the two sides together with our bare hands to protect the inside from the elements, but they’ve clearly forgotten about the existence of frosting. If you want to put your hands on both sides of a frosted cake and push the sides in, go for it, but since I usually share my cake with other people, I’ll stick to the traditional method.

In the meantime, my ego is still taking blows. I’m wrong about Southern food, I’m mispronouncing Sriracha, and in the non-food department, I’m “almost certainly” starting negotiations wrong, which is a failing I already knew about, trust me.

You know what I wish? I wish these articles would stop yelling at me. Don’t berate me for what I’m doing wrong, just tell me, lovingly and kindly, how I could improve things. Better yet, just tell me how to make those tasks more fun, like this nice fella.