There’s a lot to think about when you become a parent: What am I going to name the baby that won’t make them hate me when they’re older? How can I be — in the words of Fräulein Maria — firm, but kind? When should I start potty training? But there’s something else to consider: your parenting style. Though people wonder what kind of parent they’re going to be, it’s actually something we have more control over than we think.
Parenting may seem daunting (because it definitely is), but keep in mind that millions (billions!) of people have done this before you, and some of them have learned from the process and written about their experiences. That’s where parenting styles come in. There are several types — like helicopter, permissive, and free-range — but here, we’re going to focus on attachment parenting. Here’s what you need to know about attachment parenting, what it involves, and how it’ll impact your kids.
What is attachment parenting?
If you hear the phrase “attachment parenting” and automatically think of a mother breastfeeding a three-year-old child, that’s because that was the image on a 2012 cover of an issue of Time Magazine. And the headline — “Are You Mom Enough?” — only added to the controversy surrounding attachment parenting. But there’s a lot more to attachment parenting than breastfeeding a child who is able to use words to ask for it.
Though attachment parenting has been around for decades, it became more well-known after Dr. Daniel Sears, a pediatrician, and Martha Sears, a registered nurse, wrote about this parenting style in their 2001 book, Attachment Parenting. In it, they recommend what they call the “Baby Bs” or the eight principles of attachment parenting
What are the eight principles of attachment parenting?
In their book, Daniel and Martha Sears walk the reader through the eight principles of attachment parenting, which form the foundation of their research-based information and guidance. While each principle can serve as a different entry point to learning about healthy parenting, they are all interrelated. If you’re unsure where to start, follow what draws your attention first, the authors say, paying attention to what you find affirming as a parent, as well as what challenges you to grow and learn.
The eight principles of attachment parenting are:
- birth bonding
- bedding close to the baby
- belief in the baby’s cry
- balance and boundaries
- and beware of baby trainers
Attachment Parenting Infants
You can start using attachment parenting strategies when your baby is an infant, and some methods include:
- Providing enough physical contact that they feel secure
- Being affectionate
Each of these examples encourages your baby’s neurological development and can be done at home, or on the go.
Attachment Parenting Toddlers
Attachment parenting can also be practiced with toddlers, using many of the same methods as you did when they were infants while expanding the scope a bit to accommodate the fact that they’re constantly growing and changing, and have evolving needs. Some examples of attachment parenting in toddlers include:
- Extended breastfeeding
- Parenting with empathy
- Feeding them with love and respect
- Practicing positive discipline
- Using a nurturing touch
What’s an example of attachment parenting?
The basic idea behind attachment parenting is that parents should respond sensitively to the needs of babies and children. This starts when they’re infants, and can involve the following examples:
- Co-sleeping: either in the same room as parents or (with appropriate safety precautions) in the same bed. This may involve having bedtime occur on the child’s, not the parent’s, schedule.
- Feeding on demand: allowing the child to set the timing of feeding (whether breast- or bottle-fed), along with self-weaning.
- Holding and touching: keeping the child physically near, whether through cuddling and cradling or by wearing on a front- or backpack arrangement.
- Responsiveness to crying: not letting the child “cry it out,” but instead intervening early in the crying bout, reacting to the child’s distress before it gets out of control.
After that, attachment parenting adapts to the developmental stage of the child — which doesn’t mean a one-size-fits-all approach. Instead, parents “need to find the balance between encouraging independence and autonomy while still allowing their child to feel safe and secure,” Dr. Susan Krauss Whitbourne writes at Psychology Today.
What are the benefits of attachment parenting?
According to Krauss, there is research suggesting a range of benefits for children raised via attachment parenting. These include infants having lower stress levels, crying less often, and feeling more connected to other people as they get older, as well as showing higher levels of empathy.
Similarly, Dr. Daniel Sears and Martha sum up the benefits of attachment parenting for both children and parents:
Attachment Parenting Benefits for Baby
- is more trusting
- feels more competent
- grows better
- feels right, acts right
- is better organized
- learns language more easily
- establishes healthy independence
- learns intimacy
- learns to give and receive love
Attachment Parenting Benefits for Parents
- become more confident
- are more sensitive
- can read baby’s cues
- respond intuitively
- flow with baby’s temperament
- find discipline easier
- become keen observers
- know baby’s competencies and preferences
- know which advice to take and which to disregard
Attachment Parenting Benefits for Parents and Baby Experience:
- mutual sensitivity
- mutual giving
- mutual shaping of behavior
- mutual trust
- feelings of connectedness
- more flexibility
- more lively interactions
- brings out the best in each other
What are the disadvantages of attachment parenting?
Having said that, there is plenty out there on the potential drawbacks of attachment parenting. This includes parents being prone to self-judgment if they don’t feel as though they’re doing everything perfectly, as well as the fact that the American Academy of Pediatrics doesn’t support co-sleeping. Not to mention that attachment parenting was developed with the idea that a child will have one primary caregiver. Of course, it rarely works that way anymore. In fact, children usually experience multiple people caring for them and using their own methods, including parents, grandparents, nannies, and daycare providers.
Some of the common criticisms with attachment parenting are related to the outcomes for both the child and parent — which aren’t always positive. For example, there is concern that children raised via attachment parenting may be overdependent on other people, thanks to getting constant attention for each of their changing moods or tantrums. It could also go a step farther, producing children with bullying tendencies, given that they have learned how to control their well-meaning parents, according to WebMD.
Attachment parenting has also been criticized for being fear-based, anti-sleep-training, anti-formula, and, in some cases, anti-feminist (because some believe it requires mothers to be in constant contact with their child, which makes it hard to do anything else). But because parenting is such a personal decision, it’s up to you to determine which style works best for you at this point in your life.
Quotes about attachment parenting
“The word on the street was that I had two options when it came to caring for my future baby: I could either eat, sleep, drink, bathe, walk, and work with my baby permanently affixed to my body until the two of us meld into one, or I could leave my baby out naked on a cold millstone to cry, refusing to hold or feed her until the schedule allowed. Apparently, there was no in between.” ― Rachel Held Evans, A Year of Biblical Womanhood
“In the first several months of life, a baby’s wants are a baby’s needs.” ― William Sears, The Attachment Parenting Book : A Commonsense Guide to Understanding and Nurturing Your Baby
“If baby is thriving, but Mom is completely burned out because she is not getting the help she needs, something has to change.” ― William Sears, The Attachment Parenting Book : A Commonsense Guide to Understanding and Nurturing Your Baby