Baby Crack

by Cara Paiuk
Originally Published: 

I discovered the Baby First TV channel a few months ago. I don’t recall the details of how I first found it but I distinctly remember the moment when I placed my five-month-old twins in their bouncy seats in front of it. It was LIFE CHANGING.

I’m going to state the obvious now: I am one person. With only two arms. Having two babies who want to be held/changed/rocked/snuggled/fed at the same time, all the time, is a game I could not win. Ever. Someone was always unhappy and in tears (usually me). Even two people with four collective arms was not enough at times. And so, without the luxury of having family nearby to help or lottery winnings to hire full-time help, I have resorted to what will forever be known as Baby Crack.

The moment the girls laid eyes on the insipid, unoriginal, mind-numbing, constant loop of this cable channel, it became quiet in the house for the first time in five months. They stopped and breathed and relaxed. They would probably have asked for nachos if they could talk. Or knew what nachos were. And have no doubt, this mama made herself a cup of coffee and did the same exact thing: relaxed, kicked up her feet, and forgot her worries.

Even my toddler son loves it. If he walks into the magical, hypnotic orbit, he gets mesmerized by Baby Crack’s siren song and stupefied for what seems like a blessed eternity to us, but is probably only half an hour. I must admit, occasionally even I will steal a glance, then look at the time and wonder where the last five minutes have gone.

Now, before you start throwing statistics and studies with sharp corners at my head, let me forewarn you: Unless you have twins and little or no help and a toddler, you have no idea what my life is like. You can read your statistics to yourself before going to bed at night, and I sincerely hope you have a nice rest. Take as long as you want.

Now, if you do have a toddler and twins with little to no help, your advice is welcome. In the meantime, I will bow down to my family’s newest electronic addiction.

Baby Crack: Thanks to you, there are now pockets of peace in the household. Moments where I can be 100% attentive to my son, my husband, and occasionally, myself. I still don’t talk on the phone much because even you can’t distract the twins from that. The second I pick up the phone, the shrieking begins, no matter how far out of sight and earshot I am of the girls. But I am able to cook sometimes and even write, as long as I remember not to look toward your beautiful flickering screen and get lost in your blissful perfection.

Still, please check back with me in a few months. If we are all addicted by then and I can’t stare away from the screen long enough to try to break the spell with a phone call, an intervention might be required.

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