'The Bachelor' Episode 2: This Isn't Creepy At All

Episode two: Bridal photoshoots make great first dates

The episode opens and Chris Harrison asks the ladies what their first impressions of Nick were. Feverishly crossing my fingers that one of them would say, “I can totally see why he’s single,” but that didn’t happen because network TV sucks.

We learn there will be three dates: two group dates, and a one on one date. Chris says, “There are 22 of you. That means it is physically impossible for all of you to have dates each week. So this week not all of you are going to get time with Nick.”

Huh? What does that even mean? Does Chris know the definition of “group?” How can it be “physically impossible” for there to be enough dates? Are there more women than usual? Was the rental car place out of party vans? What the fuck is happening?

He leaves the girls with a bit of panic: “When you do get time, take advantage of it.” The camera pans around the room and everyone looks pissed and even more hell bent on cornering the bachelor than usual. Corinne begins to sweat and screams, “My daddy said I would have a date!” Then she starts chewing on the girl next to her’s face. The girl dies. Now there’s enough room for everyone.

Just kidding. I should really produce this show. Mine would be so much more exciting.

First date card arrives. Women freak out. The first name that’s called is Corinne’s and we all die a little inside. The card reads, “Always a bridesmaid…” which could either be a nod to Nick failing at love so much or a nod to the fact that the women chosen for these group dates are always the B team. Not sure which.

Corrine says, “I’ve never been a bridesmaid. I think I’m just a natural born bride.” LOL, no girl. You have no girlfriends because you’re awful. That’s why.

They all load into convertibles and act surprised that they are “actually going to have a date with Nick today!” Have they not seen this show? It’s literally just about dates. That’s it.

The girls head to their group date and we finally see Nick. “I feel so lucky to have met 30 great women,” he says. Oh my fucking god, why do I watch this show? All the ladies arrive and he hugs all of them. ABC doesn’t show every hug, but they should. He cracks a joke about how he knows how awkward group dates are because he’s “been on his fair share.” OMG Nick. We get it. You practically live at the bachelor mansion. Shut up about it already, it’s weird.

Not as weird as the photo shoot they are about to do. There are a rack of bridal gowns that all these women have to put on. “This date is meant to break the ice,” Nick says. Sure, nothing more relaxing than dressing up in a wedding gown on your first date. There’s a catch — there’s not enough bridal gowns, so some of the women have to be bridesmaids. Ha! Of course. The creepy photographer gets to decide who “wins” this date based on their chemistry.

Corrine rubs in that she was the first person to kiss him, and she was the first name that was called on the date card. We all pray that she’s the first person to go home. Make it so, reality TV gods. “I am definitely the hottest bride,” she says, because her gown has a bikini top. Brittany comes out in even less than she’s wearing (she got the Adam and Eve cosplay dress), looking amazing. Corrine freaks. Our hearts are all warm and fuzzy.

Now we have to watch all the photo shoots… ZZZZZZ. The photographer keeps dressing Nick like he’s a member of The Village People, which is hilarious.

We pan back to the house, where the girls are guessing that Corinne will get the first rose, because she’s the first person who kissed him. Liz is sitting there looking like the cat who ate the canary, and you know she just wants to scream, I kissed him first! At Jade’s wedding! And we had sex! Na na na na naaaaaaa. But she doesn’t.

Back to the photo shoot where Corinne goes overboard trying to outdo the sexy leaf costume she didn’t get to wear. She takes her top off and makes him put his hands over her bare breasts. It’s embarrassing. She wins, because the photographer is from another country and clearly her awfulness isn’t translating right. All the girls hate her.

Back at the house, Danielle M. gets the first one-on-one date. Liz says, “I’m really excited for her,” while staring at the screen in a way that makes the viewer feel like she really wants to say, “I want to stab her in the face,” while laughing maniacally.

Now we’re back to the group date and Corinne is being a hog and hogging all of Nick’s time, all the time. She “steals” him first, then interrupts another girl’s time, than goes back to the group and says, “I think my nipple was out the whole time I was talking to Nick.” She’s a gem. The girls clearly want to murder her and bury her under the house. The Bachelor could literally change the whole idea of this show and make it Murdering Corinne and get more ratings.

Corinne is back again, and now it’s just ridiculous. She’s interrupted like four women, and Nick all of a sudden seems to like it — or that’s what he’s telling her. The last girl she interrupts comes back, which is awesome. Corinne is pissed that she was “re-interrupted” whatever that is. Then she refers to herself in the third person, OMG. HATE HER SO MUCH. She’s a ticking time bomb — the female version of Chad. She’s terrible. The rose comes out, and Nick GIVES CORINNE THE ROSE. WHAT THE HELL. OMG. NO. TURNING MY TV OFF NOW AND SWEARING OFF THE BACHELOR, FOREVER.

Just kidding. I can’t do that. But WTF, Nick?

One-on-one date with Danielle is boring. Liz cannot keep her mouth shut and tells one of the girls (Kristin) that she had sex with Nick. Back to Danielle who’s now telling Nick about her fiancé from five years ago who overdosed. She found his body. Nick tells her she should try to “replicate the feelings” she had for her ex in future relationships, which is the most macabre advice, ever.

For the second group date, Nick takes the women to the Museum of Broken Relationships — which is actually a thing. God, he really can’t let his past go, can he? Come on, Nick. In the middle of the museum in a glass case is a dead rose and the engagement ring Nick picked out for Kaitlin. Seriously.

There’s a staged fight happening, and we learn that this is what the ladies will be doing today: pretending to hate Nick and leave him. Jesus, Nick. Seek therapy. This is getting ridiculous. The women yell and slap him. Not even going to recap because it’s so stupid. Nick says, “It’s meant to be fun.” Mkay. Whatever.

Liz is crying in a sidebar because apparently she doesn’t understand how fucking strange it is for a one night stand who didn’t want to give a guy her phone number to show up on network television now trying to marry that guy. She makes her “imaginary break-up” about the shit that actually went down with them, and airs their dirty laundry in front of all the girls. Awkward. Nick is not happy. She’s totally going home.

After finding out Liz told Kristin about their “past” — he decides he needs to find out if she’s “using their past to be on TV” like he did with Kaitlin. Come on, we all know that’s what happened. She tries to explain herself, but it’s not going well. “The more I talk to Liz the less she makes sense,” Nick says in a sidebar. Ever heard that quote “we hate most in others what we see in ourselves” or something? Totally applies here.

“Just trying to be honest and up front with you, and I feel like there’s other things going on with the other women and I feel based on the conversation we had the other night and the conversations we’re having now, I definitely have the clarity I’ve been looking for, to be honest.”

OMG.

“I just don’t think we have a future.”

BOOM.

Liz looks at him like she’s willing him to go bald right there. Her eyes are scaring me. She accepts his offer of the walk-out to the car. Why do they always except that? If I got booted off this show, I’d be like PEACE OUT, ASSHOLE. DON’T WALK ME TO THE CAR. FORGET MY NAME. LOSE MY NUMBER. OH WAIT, YOU DON’T HAVE MY NUMBER BECAUSE I REFUSED TO GIVE IT TO YOU AFTER WE HAD SEX.

Nick returns to the girls, compelled to tell them all about his history with Liz. They all looked shocked, like they’ve never heard of two consenting adults getting drunk at a wedding and having sex before. Scenes from next week reveal crying, drama, and confusion around the idea that two consenting adults would ever get drunk at a wedding and have sex. The girls somehow feel betrayed by Nick and Liz’s history and it looks like Corinne is going to have a minor meltdown.

Can’t wait.